Past and Present perfect

Does anyone still sleep anymore? Are we both tossing and turning? Oh i must share that i finished watching CLOY in a flash. Bandwagon. And i've read the biographies of all the casts. No effort. And out of the blue, i came accross Manny Pacquiao's son's vlog but was not really interested so i ended up watching Pacman's boxing matches in his entire 20 year career. Then everything related to him started to pop up in my feed. Algorithm. Tired. But sleep would not claim me. And so for a change i reread the 9/11 incident and rememorized the Nightingale Pledge, and watched my stress reliever- Mukbang. But wow it didn't even inspire my appetite. How long has it been since i last had a proper meal. Hey coffee is meal. And maybe 18 oranges in 7 weeks. You see, i don't know exactly how to handle life now. I wish it handles me and i'd follow wherever it takes. For weeks i've been stuck. I spent days and nights blankly. Lately it's all about excessive coffee. Little or no sleep. It's not adrenaline. It's just playing shit with me. I have not been reading or writing or doing anything anymore. I am just here trying to stay sane. I wish to come home. But it hurts to genuinely want something that i eventually stopped wishing for it. It's scary out there isn't it? It's full of impending turmoil. I don't see anything clearly. It's unpredictable.

There's too much in my head that i'm dying to pen them down. Down the memory lane..

11.14.2019 (17:05)- Tower

I can't remember why i was outside that night. I just happened to be there. It was my youngest brother's birthday but it had nothing to do with this picture. This tower. I don't know what's in there, who's in there. I've never been there. They say if you are in the kingdom, you should definitely see this one landmark. Let's go there one day.


12.13.2019 (16:48)- Trophy

"Over-All Champion". The team building was the 3rd one i've attended in my current company so far. Back in the Philippines, i attended team buildings too... River Zumba, Island Hopping, Tree Planting, Clubs, etc... But this was different. It wasn't just for fun. It was team work so to speak. Gahd the basketball game seriously gave me flu-like pains for days. But it was worth it.


12.30.2019 (08:13)- GA case

This kills me. Cases this early make me grumpy all day. I have to get up at 5:30 and get on the service at 7 and start the battle at 8. Then i call it a day.


01.07.2020 (20:31)- Award?

My ass. It gave me chills. I never wanted to receive one regardless of how hard i work. Believe me i don't work hard. I don't like to. I appreciate it. But all the others are way much better.


02.05.2020 (09:03) - Trip

It wasn't planned well, but it went well. Armenia was classic. It was pretty. I like rainy season the most but winter wasn't that bad. Leaves falling, warm coats, foreign language, snow flakes. Spontaneity. It always gives the best experience.


02.09.2020 (21:00) - Next trip

Another thing i looked forward to. I was very expectant. The catch up with family and friends, Iloilo city tour, and a staycation at a beautiful island resort. I bought a new luggage bag by the way.


02.23.2020 (19:19)- Suction room

This is where i usually watch the sunrise and sunset. But the day passed quickly that the moon was already overtaking behind the clouds.


03.2020 (00:00) - COVID. Impromptu


03.13.2020 (21:04) - Chocolate Monster

Ah i lost my appetite.


04.02.2020 (23:29) - Experiment

It's been forever since i last touched my brushes, the poor canvas and palette. I was lonely, but i guess they were too. So we had a small reunion. I've read "it's not bad to learn from loneliness. There are things you can see more clearly when you are alone".

04.13.2020 (07:30) - Lollipops

For me, a matter of lollipop and death.


04.10.2020 (13:27) - The Notice

Thank you for the reminder.


Today 04.25.2020 (06:36) - The Park

Morning stroll. Do you know why...i don't like going to...and staying at new places for a long time? Because i'm anxious i'd feel comfortable. That when i become familiar i'd feel at home. And when i have to leave, i'd be confused and heart broken. So i'd stay here briefly.

Until then... So long...

10th November

Just got home from work. I toss my backpack on the bed and head straight to the basement. It's so quiet here, hence my fondness of the place. I want to write on my diary but i am now seated comfortably on the couch, so i just use my phone. I'm terribly feeling homesick that it starts to hurt physically. And because it hurts, i can't concentrate on what i'm writing. I want to cry because of this. I keep writing so i won't cry. I suddenly want to throw up. I stop for a bit. I think i will read a little, but i didn't bring my e-reader too. Maybe i should take a nap. I like this place but it's a bit creepy so i should stay awake. I turn on my playlist, but i feel more distracted so i turn it off. I want to smoke. Ah, i am in trouble. Someone circulated a picture of us smokin and i got a bit panicky so i confessed to my mother that i have been smoking and that i got caught and that they might kick me out.

She's so upset. And so sad. And really shocked. I don't know how i feel about it. My mother wants me to really stop and i said i will try.

When i was in university my brother told me that to make your brain work fast, you have to smoke 2 sticks of cigarettes. I did try at work and when i returned home, my brain felt real slow. Apparently the nicotine has worn out. It didn't feel good. My bad stomach woke me up some nights and i felt nauseous some days.

Now I really want to throw up. I have not smoked for 3 days, it must be withdrawal. Or maybe i am feeling anxious.

I sit beside the pool, and stare at my reflection. I think i'd swim a little. I don't know how to swim so maybe i'd float on my back. But it's freakin cold. Maybe i'll just go upstairs and have some tea, read and write a little. I pull myself up before my reflection pulls me into the water.

"What's in your backpack"?

People often ask me this. And since i've never really given them a decent answer, my comfort buddy has been subject to hilarious wild guesses. Some say i have bars of gold in it, a pet cat, or a mini grocery store 😅. "You're goin to school?" always gives me a good laugh.

To begin the revelation, my backpack is one of the most important belongings i have but it contains 'not so important' things. Just few essentials i keep handy to make life a bit more convenient and to save myself from certain situations.

The list goes this way:

●journal/ pencil/ pen : fact is I love pens and notebooks. There's a seasonal writer in me that i can't tell when i am going to write so having a journal all the time is a must. I usually jot down important dates, appointments, random thoughts, a cute movie phrase, a good blog title for future use. Or whenever i get this sudden artistic impulse i really just have to sketch or doodle down. Anytime. Anywhere. It's a great way to pass time.

●Phone: for calls, sms, and the map! for i am worst at navigation. In my home city I cannot even memorize streets or i don't know the right jeepney to take to go somewhere so this tool helps a lot. It's very essential for emergency situation, keeps you updated in this digital world, and my playlist saves me from boredom of course. Moreover i also use my phone for alarms and memos.

●Water bottle: hydrate hydrate. Especially in this country when summer is really hot and winter is dry. I usually carry a liter with me so it's by far the heaviest object in my backpack.

●Books: or anything readable e.g: mags, brochures, pocketbooks. Not that i read them, but i always make sure i carry one in case i need to avoid social interaction that i can just pretend i'm busy reading something and avoid being bothered. It's a life saver!

●Lighter: in case i need to burn something down 😆. Kidding aside, i learned to bring one all the time because back in the Philippines the friends and i would sometimes go on sudden long trips. And we really love to eat, but usually we had to make food traditional style esp when the place was far from civilization and there's no access to electricity. We had to make fire using lighter in order to cook, to make bonfire, etc.

●extra pair of clothes: Now i'm in another country as an ofw, i don't bring extra clothes anymore because my uniform is just comfortable as it is and we actually rarely go out. But back in the Philippines when we went to places unplanned or when i was suddenly invited for a sleepover, having extra clothes ready was a great relief making the overnight stay more comfortable.

●lollipops/chocolates: in times of hypoglycemic attack, sweets save the day. But regardless of my blood sugar level, i always carry a stick or two because i've always had this fondness of sweets since i was little esp for lollipops. I don't realy have to eat them. Just the feel of them in my pocket or knowing i have plenty in my bag makes me feel nothing can get in the way.

●instant coffee: when i can't stand hypoglycemia anymore, it's my next line of defense when hunger strikes, or when i snooze in the middle of work. I am such a big sleepyhead.

●First aid kit: A clumsy human that i am, i'm prone to falls, i bump or i get cuts and bruises. Therefore a brownie girl scout should always carry band aide, plaster, povidone iodine, otc meds, etc.

●Sanitary pads: for the sake of myself and all women out there who always ask "do you have a napkin?" in times of untimely menstrual periods because why don't they keep it handy all the time.

●Floss: oral hygiene.

●Isoprophyl: because i love the smell of alcohol it feels so clean.

●IDs: i have really poor sense of direction that i know for sure i could get lost anytime so i make sure i have id cards to present to a police station or when people might mistaken me as an alien at least i have a human identification proof to show.

●Cash: if money were no object my backpack would most probably be full of stuff. But everything just costs, material or non material, so money is a standby.


My backpack is something i value quite a lot. Wherever i go as long as i have it, i feel secure and comfortable. Sometimes there's a dozen other stuff that i add, that's why when people ask what's in my backpack, it's Irish stuff i say.

Quarter affairs

The past months got me collecting things sentimental, celebratory, and life changing. I didn't write for so long because i was feeling demotivated and consumed. It's one of those seasons, when i could not hold my pen long enough to write. And feel bad about it afterwards. Things have accumulated, and i shall unfold them one by one to lift some weights.

This was back in April when i saw an OB for a checkup. She revealed that i had a big cyst that needed to be removed. I was assured that it was very common and simple and the surgery would be real quick, but i was so scared and confused that i delayed it.

In May, my younger brother broke a news that he's getting married. It's a different feeling when someone in the family makes the biggest decision, when he bravely steps up. Our boy is starting a new chapter in his life, he's suddenly so grown up! Now aside from my parents, i think Harry is now an additional counselor i can rely on to. I don't have faith in myself, but i have in him.

In June, my friends and I spent the holiday in Bahrain.

At that time, i already had thoughts about quitting my job because i was terribly homesick and i wanted to be with the family when i did the surgery. It was supposed to be a relaxing trip but the heat and traffic and the environment did not help. I composed a resignation letter and promised to send it when i got back to work, but i delayed it as well. It's still in my draft! Waitin for that sign...

In July, i finally did the surgery! I originally planned to delay it right, but the friends persuaded me. And the doctor explained that the cyst could grow bigger and "explode" and damage my ovary. I went under the knife and here i am still alive to this day to tell you my story.

First day of admission.

On the second day, Dr. Farah visited. She brought this sweetest, loveliest lollipop bouquet 😊.

If it weren't for my family and friends who encouraged me, i wouldn't have done the surgery. I am forever grateful 🙏.

The day i got discharged, my mother flew back home for good. My oldest brother flew back to work weeks after that. I think we're not really always up to something, but we were never complete and i wanted to be home all the more.

The two-week sickleave felt like forever. It was very depressing and very painful. I rekindled my love for reading and painting but it didn't last long. Pressuring myself just worsened the condition.

A month from now i turn 29 and i honestly feel inadequate about everything. The inner tie that i've been battling to unknot seems tighter. It feels like it's raining more often than usual. I have been tryin to take things easy, but everything seems uncertain and questionable. It's like, i will never be ready when the chance comes to get things right.

I try to keep it all together so i won't affect the people around me, coz as long as i can, i absorb it all. But actually, it's easier to cry and look sadly at life than the other way around.

I hold on to the little love i get, as it keeps my soul firm when the storm tries to knock me down. If and when i'm able to overcome it all, when i become a better person, i would love to give love back. But honestly now I'm losing it.

Life Lately

It's only Wednesday? Or it's Wednesday already! I don't know what best describes today. Currently at a stage of life when i am not very concerned about time but i am also taking it seriously. No in between. A lot has been going on these days and i am feeling the need to do a recap of events, big and small, or just random ones. Or actually, let me just share how life is lately.

Let's start with the people i miss: The brothers! I know my digital absence is getting into their nerves, and the tantrums too lol. Why i find it fun to annoy them 😆.

Work: In equal intensity these past weeks, i have been playing and actually working at the same time. Additional responsibilities make me feel funny coz they make me realize how dumb i am. When i think too much, i think i might go mad, so i stop and play. Balance is the key!

Social/ Personal: Some days i wish i could unload everything in my brain to someone who mutually connects, or some days i like to just listen to someone who feels the same. It's comforting to know that someone relates. Sometimes i crave for a deep connection, but i just suck like hell at communication. I know everyone would love to tell me "you are so quiet" or "you are weird". What can i do! Believe me, i would love to talk. But my thoughts dominate the actual conversation. Before i could even say something, i'm already overwhelmed by the internal monologue goin on inside my head, so i shut up.

Experiences: Sad, happy, crazy. They make up life! May it be an engagement into something new, small achievements, discoveries, meaningful conversations, surprises, bad news, difficult tasks, humor, etc etc. Existing after all.

Recreation: I am sad to say that i don't get to read much nowadays coz i am easily distracted! I have 3 books i started and did not finish and i don't know when i could get back to the habit again with passion. I am also becoming less interested in painting bcoz i find it hard to think of a good concept. And guess what, even writing feels like math!

Health: Still alive! 🙂

Realizations: There are instances when i almost give up, but when i'm able to survive one day at a time, i feel hopeful. A little effort from me, and biggest help from people who feel like sunshine 😫. Sometimes the world is not fair, but anyone has the power to make it fair.


And this canvas ???

This morning as i was staring at it, i thought that Life is like a painting. Sometimes it's messed up, mysterious, unpredictable. Like an Abstract on canvas. Sometimes it's in perfect equilibrium. Like a lovely portrait, or a beautiful landscape. If we look deeper, things make more sense. Like a painting, we choose how our colors would give life to a blank medium. No matter how, it has beauty and meaning in its own form.

Now my life is like a canvas waiting to be painted.

If you don't know where you want to go...

Su-jin: "But i'm only 27. How could i be going senile?"
Dr. Lee: It's possible.
Su-jin: "So...what's going to happen to me?"

*cries 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Which is scarier? To know or not to know the answer? Su-jin's question makes me cry.

Meanwhile, February is almost over and January took forever, no? I guess many started the year joining the bandwagon when everybody said "i claim this is the year i've been waiting for". I did not follow the trend because the transition of my 2018 to 2019 was pretty much eventful, disorganized, unexpected. The year has just started and a lot has happened already. Changes let's say, which i dread to the bones! I can't enumerate one by one because it makes me overly emotional. I've always been an emotional person. I would cry easily over a sad novel, or a sad movie, or a sad story someone has told me.

Now, let's go back to Su-jin's story. Her case was helpless. The doctor adds...

"soon you won't be able to type or answer the phone, let alone organize things. Pretty much nothing. You will forget your family, friends and even yourself. All your memories will disappear completely."

The movie "A Moment to Remember" was about a young couple whose love was challenged when Su-jin was diagnosed with a rare form of Alzheimer's disease.

That was cruel 😫. If you know what's goin to happen and nothing can be done about it, everyday will feel miserable. If you have no idea what's coming, maybe everyday will feel miserable as well.

When i went to university, i had to stay at a boarding house, away from home, away from the comfort zone, away from my granny. "What's going to happen to me?". I never had a concrete answer. Days, weeks, months, years passed by. I never knew the answer but i was able to get through everyday like how did i do that? Still alive! Fast forward to the present, same question, and i still don't know the answer.

People wait for someone or something or the unknown. It could be a dream job, "the right one", a trip to a dream destination, a lottery jackpot, a diploma. Sometimes it's okay not to know the answers. Cliché as it is, everything will fall into place...not now, maybe not soon, but eventually.

P.S. It's hard to convince myself but i hope this works for others.

Last Song Syndrome

Today isn't busy, i'd like to think, but as i try to find things to do it actually gets messy. I've got to declutter, i tell myself. First our clinics...i see they're quite organized. But as a habit i reorganize again. And it occurs to me that it's my thoughts that needs decluttering the most. Today i don't wanna think. Coz it's such a good Sunday to mess things up, not to mention that the new year is around the corner. Then i go upstairs to the locker room. I don't open the lockers. I just stand there and think. I know what's inside. Disposables, medicaments, all sorts of materials we use in the clinic. I memorize them by heart. I smile. Then i decide to open my locker, where i keep Dr. Fahad's and Hani's stuff. And i remember they've left...they left me, not the company. That's how i feel. And i tell myself i own everything in this locker now. My smile fades. What do i do with all these stuff left here? The gauze and gloves and bibs and cups. I suddenly want to throw them away. But i decide to keep them for later use instead. I don't know when. Then i open Dr. Farah's locker, as i have her key. Her locker is full, i guess the stuff will last forever. I hoard. I laugh, coz this small locker suddenly looks like one huge stockroom. I remind myself to bring some stuff downstairs to prepare for tomorrow. I like it when everything is ready ahead of time. Whether she shows up or not. Whether i show up or not. I like this kind of responsibility, it makes me feel useful. Then i tell myself, maybe today i can just play the hours away. I will work, i will be good. I can't promise to be good but i will try. I will not swear please! I am suddenly banging my head against the locker. I leave the locker room, and i see the storekeeper. "Hey Mr. Frank. What about our pending orders!" He begins to explain this and that and i don't understand a thing, actually i am not listening. I leave him before i could swear. I say a quick hi to Ivee and go downstairs to the headnurse office. I say hi to the headnurse, and i look for the marker. The red one. The blue one is a permanent marker, so i look for the red one that's not permanent. I want to write on the memo board. But the marker is out of sight. Dr. Tala hasn't returned it. It's been a week! I really want to write on the board now. I face the board. I see the schedule, and the lost and found notice. I stare at it for about 10 seconds. My book and bookmark, where could they be? I start to recall that 3 Thursdays ago...December 13, i was everywhere. Clinic 35, 3, 4, 13, 12- i set them up, 42 (where i borrowed vaseline), 11- i just looked at myself in the mirror, headnurse office, locker room, store, insurance area, cssd, fire exit, waiting area, reception, comfort room. Where's the book and bookmark? I can't remember. My head hurts. I sit in the waiting area and continue on the new book i'm currently reading. I'm on page 282 now, but my head really hurts. I look for Des, maybe we can have coffee. But i can't find her, i think she's busy. Ah i remember Des is in another branch today. I look for John, we can have tea. He likes green tea, i like it with milk. But i can't find him too. Even Roxx is not around. So instead i go back to the waiting area and search for Alex Gonzaga's "Chambe" song. 9 million views. Cool girl.

I listen to it briefly and i write a memo on my phone: tonight we will practice the chambe choreography. The song keeps playing in my head over and over again. LSS!. Oh my gosh. And why am i not working. But i say i want to play, they will look for me if they need me. I check the time. It's going to be a long day but i want to call it a day already. I enter clinic 12 where i hide my backpack, and take out my journal. Then i put on my earphones, play the chambe song once more and head straight to the fire exit.

P.S. Dear Alex,
Can't get your song out of my head.