Last Song Syndrome

Today isn't busy, i'd like to think, but as i try to find things to do it actually gets messy. I've got to declutter, i tell myself. First our clinics...i see they're quite organized. But as a habit i reorganize again. And it occurs to me that it's my thoughts that needs decluttering the most. Today i don't wanna think. Coz it's such a good Sunday to mess things up, not to mention that the new year is around the corner. Then i go upstairs to the locker room. I don't open the lockers. I just stand there and think. I know what's inside. Disposables, medicaments, all sorts of materials we use in the clinic. I memorize them by heart. I smile. Then i decide to open my locker, where i keep Dr. Fahad's and Hani's stuff. And i remember they've left...they left me, not the company. That's how i feel. And i tell myself i own everything in this locker now. My smile fades. What do i do with all these stuff left here? The gauze and gloves and bibs and cups. I suddenly want to throw them away. But i decide to keep them for later use instead. I don't know when. Then i open Dr. Farah's locker, as i have her key. Her locker is full, i guess the stuff will last forever. I hoard. I laugh, coz this small locker suddenly looks like one huge stockroom. I remind myself to bring some stuff downstairs to prepare for tomorrow. I like it when everything is ready ahead of time. Whether she shows up or not. Whether i show up or not. I like this kind of responsibility, it makes me feel useful. Then i tell myself, maybe today i can just play the hours away. I will work, i will be good. I can't promise to be good but i will try. I will not swear please! I am suddenly banging my head against the locker. I leave the locker room, and i see the storekeeper. "Hey Mr. Frank. What about our pending orders!" He begins to explain this and that and i don't understand a thing, actually i am not listening. I leave him before i could swear. I say a quick hi to Ivee and go downstairs to the headnurse office. I say hi to the headnurse, and i look for the marker. The red one. The blue one is a permanent marker, so i look for the red one that's not permanent. I want to write on the memo board. But the marker is out of sight. Dr. Tala hasn't returned it. It's been a week! I really want to write on the board now. I face the board. I see the schedule, and the lost and found notice. I stare at it for about 10 seconds. My book and bookmark, where could they be? I start to recall that 3 Thursdays ago...December 13, i was everywhere. Clinic 35, 3, 4, 13, 12- i set them up, 42 (where i borrowed vaseline), 11- i just looked at myself in the mirror, headnurse office, locker room, store, insurance area, cssd, fire exit, waiting area, reception, comfort room. Where's the book and bookmark? I can't remember. My head hurts. I sit in the waiting area and continue on the new book i'm currently reading. I'm on page 282 now, but my head really hurts. I look for Des, maybe we can have coffee. But i can't find her, i think she's busy. Ah i remember Des is in another branch today. I look for John, we can have tea. He likes green tea, i like it with milk. But i can't find him too. Even Roxx is not around. So instead i go back to the waiting area and search for Alex Gonzaga's "Chambe" song. 9 million views. Cool girl.

I listen to it briefly and i write a memo on my phone: tonight we will practice the chambe choreography. The song keeps playing in my head over and over again. LSS!. Oh my gosh. And why am i not working. But i say i want to play, they will look for me if they need me. I check the time. It's going to be a long day but i want to call it a day already. I enter clinic 12 where i hide my backpack, and take out my journal. Then i put on my earphones, play the chambe song once more and head straight to the fire exit.

P.S. Dear Alex,
Can't get your song out of my head.