Quarter affairs

The past months got me collecting things sentimental, celebratory, and life changing. I didn't write for so long because i was feeling demotivated and consumed. It's one of those seasons, when i could not hold my pen long enough to write. And feel bad about it afterwards. Things have accumulated, and i shall unfold them one by one to lift some weights.

This was back in April when i saw an OB for a checkup. She revealed that i had a big cyst that needed to be removed. I was assured that it was very common and simple and the surgery would be real quick, but i was so scared and confused that i delayed it.

In May, my younger brother broke a news that he's getting married. It's a different feeling when someone in the family makes the biggest decision, when he bravely steps up. Our boy is starting a new chapter in his life, he's suddenly so grown up! Now aside from my parents, i think Harry is now an additional counselor i can rely on to. I don't have faith in myself, but i have in him.

In June, my friends and I spent the holiday in Bahrain.

At that time, i already had thoughts about quitting my job because i was terribly homesick and i wanted to be with the family when i did the surgery. It was supposed to be a relaxing trip but the heat and traffic and the environment did not help. I composed a resignation letter and promised to send it when i got back to work, but i delayed it as well. It's still in my draft! Waitin for that sign...

In July, i finally did the surgery! I originally planned to delay it right, but the friends persuaded me. And the doctor explained that the cyst could grow bigger and "explode" and damage my ovary. I went under the knife and here i am still alive to this day to tell you my story.

First day of admission.

On the second day, Dr. Farah visited. She brought this sweetest, loveliest lollipop bouquet 😊.

If it weren't for my family and friends who encouraged me, i wouldn't have done the surgery. I am forever grateful 🙏.

The day i got discharged, my mother flew back home for good. My oldest brother flew back to work weeks after that. I think we're not really always up to something, but we were never complete and i wanted to be home all the more.

The two-week sickleave felt like forever. It was very depressing and very painful. I rekindled my love for reading and painting but it didn't last long. Pressuring myself just worsened the condition.

A month from now i turn 29 and i honestly feel inadequate about everything. The inner tie that i've been battling to unknot seems tighter. It feels like it's raining more often than usual. I have been tryin to take things easy, but everything seems uncertain and questionable. It's like, i will never be ready when the chance comes to get things right.

I try to keep it all together so i won't affect the people around me, coz as long as i can, i absorb it all. But actually, it's easier to cry and look sadly at life than the other way around.

I hold on to the little love i get, as it keeps my soul firm when the storm tries to knock me down. If and when i'm able to overcome it all, when i become a better person, i would love to give love back. But honestly now I'm losing it.