If you don't know where you want to go...

Su-jin: "But i'm only 27. How could i be going senile?"
Dr. Lee: It's possible.
Su-jin: "So...what's going to happen to me?"

*cries 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Which is scarier? To know or not to know the answer? Su-jin's question makes me cry.

Meanwhile, February is almost over and January took forever, no? I guess many started the year joining the bandwagon when everybody said "i claim this is the year i've been waiting for". I did not follow the trend because the transition of my 2018 to 2019 was pretty much eventful, disorganized, unexpected. The year has just started and a lot has happened already. Changes let's say, which i dread to the bones! I can't enumerate one by one because it makes me overly emotional. I've always been an emotional person. I would cry easily over a sad novel, or a sad movie, or a sad story someone has told me.

Now, let's go back to Su-jin's story. Her case was helpless. The doctor adds...

"soon you won't be able to type or answer the phone, let alone organize things. Pretty much nothing. You will forget your family, friends and even yourself. All your memories will disappear completely."

The movie "A Moment to Remember" was about a young couple whose love was challenged when Su-jin was diagnosed with a rare form of Alzheimer's disease.

That was cruel 😫. If you know what's goin to happen and nothing can be done about it, everyday will feel miserable. If you have no idea what's coming, maybe everyday will feel miserable as well.

When i went to university, i had to stay at a boarding house, away from home, away from the comfort zone, away from my granny. "What's going to happen to me?". I never had a concrete answer. Days, weeks, months, years passed by. I never knew the answer but i was able to get through everyday like how did i do that? Still alive! Fast forward to the present, same question, and i still don't know the answer.

People wait for someone or something or the unknown. It could be a dream job, "the right one", a trip to a dream destination, a lottery jackpot, a diploma. Sometimes it's okay not to know the answers. Cliché as it is, everything will fall into place...not now, maybe not soon, but eventually.

P.S. It's hard to convince myself but i hope this works for others.

Last Song Syndrome

Today isn't busy, i'd like to think, but as i try to find things to do it actually gets messy. I've got to declutter, i tell myself. First our clinics...i see they're quite organized. But as a habit i reorganize again. And it occurs to me that it's my thoughts that needs decluttering the most. Today i don't wanna think. Coz it's such a good Sunday to mess things up, not to mention that the new year is around the corner. Then i go upstairs to the locker room. I don't open the lockers. I just stand there and think. I know what's inside. Disposables, medicaments, all sorts of materials we use in the clinic. I memorize them by heart. I smile. Then i decide to open my locker, where i keep Dr. Fahad's and Hani's stuff. And i remember they've left...they left me, not the company. That's how i feel. And i tell myself i own everything in this locker now. My smile fades. What do i do with all these stuff left here? The gauze and gloves and bibs and cups. I suddenly want to throw them away. But i decide to keep them for later use instead. I don't know when. Then i open Dr. Farah's locker, as i have her key. Her locker is full, i guess the stuff will last forever. I hoard. I laugh, coz this small locker suddenly looks like one huge stockroom. I remind myself to bring some stuff downstairs to prepare for tomorrow. I like it when everything is ready ahead of time. Whether she shows up or not. Whether i show up or not. I like this kind of responsibility, it makes me feel useful. Then i tell myself, maybe today i can just play the hours away. I will work, i will be good. I can't promise to be good but i will try. I will not swear please! I am suddenly banging my head against the locker. I leave the locker room, and i see the storekeeper. "Hey Mr. Frank. What about our pending orders!" He begins to explain this and that and i don't understand a thing, actually i am not listening. I leave him before i could swear. I say a quick hi to Ivee and go downstairs to the headnurse office. I say hi to the headnurse, and i look for the marker. The red one. The blue one is a permanent marker, so i look for the red one that's not permanent. I want to write on the memo board. But the marker is out of sight. Dr. Tala hasn't returned it. It's been a week! I really want to write on the board now. I face the board. I see the schedule, and the lost and found notice. I stare at it for about 10 seconds. My book and bookmark, where could they be? I start to recall that 3 Thursdays ago...December 13, i was everywhere. Clinic 35, 3, 4, 13, 12- i set them up, 42 (where i borrowed vaseline), 11- i just looked at myself in the mirror, headnurse office, locker room, store, insurance area, cssd, fire exit, waiting area, reception, comfort room. Where's the book and bookmark? I can't remember. My head hurts. I sit in the waiting area and continue on the new book i'm currently reading. I'm on page 282 now, but my head really hurts. I look for Des, maybe we can have coffee. But i can't find her, i think she's busy. Ah i remember Des is in another branch today. I look for John, we can have tea. He likes green tea, i like it with milk. But i can't find him too. Even Roxx is not around. So instead i go back to the waiting area and search for Alex Gonzaga's "Chambe" song. 9 million views. Cool girl.

I listen to it briefly and i write a memo on my phone: tonight we will practice the chambe choreography. The song keeps playing in my head over and over again. LSS!. Oh my gosh. And why am i not working. But i say i want to play, they will look for me if they need me. I check the time. It's going to be a long day but i want to call it a day already. I enter clinic 12 where i hide my backpack, and take out my journal. Then i put on my earphones, play the chambe song once more and head straight to the fire exit.

P.S. Dear Alex,
Can't get your song out of my head.

The Sunday Currently | 39

December 16, two weeks left before new year, to finish what's due, to say what's left unsaid, to do what's not yet done, to be grateful, to be hopeful, to be happier, merrier, to give importance to people and things we've been takin for granted, to connect more with our family and friends, to say sorry, to share with an open heart, to be a better person. It's the second week of December and it couldn't be faster. Tis the season of mixed emotions, do you feel it? And it's full of good wishes for everyone. 2018 sure was a great year. There's more to it than just another year and i couldn't be more thankful. Just a month ago i returned to work from vacation. I had a good halt from the fast-paced world that when i came back everything seemed overwhelming. Maybe some changes i didn't expect, for ya'll know i have a slow sense of adjustment. Everyday i ask myself, "can i do it?" The usual answer is "no" yet i surprise myself that i was able to get through the day. Maybe we shouldn't question our capabilities coz life knows how to make lemonade when thrown lemons. Anyway life isn't always cruel to me, coz in hard times, there are people that help make things easier. They are a blessing! I will try my best to be the same 😇.

Currently, I am

Reading
The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane, and i can't tell if i will be able to finish it... because the book is missing. I lost it. That very book i waited for 6 years, and just 2 weeks after acquiring it it's gone. How careless! I can't remember where i possibly left it. What depresses me more is the bookmark that Doc got me from Istanbul! It's lost with the book i deserve a slap 😢.

Writing
in my journal. I wish to write about the last vacation but i've been quite busy since i came back. I missed working while i was home, and now i miss home from time to time bcoz i wasn't able to accomplish the purpose of my holiday. I felt like i went somewhere else, coz i was always left alone, and i spent time by myself. Understandably they were all so busy. Nevertheless i was grateful. The vacation made me realize that i survived 2 years abroad! And whatever happens, no matter how long you've been gone, no matter how you've changed as a person, the family is and will always be there.

Listening
to my playlist.

Thinking
about soooooo many things lately. Have i done well this year? Will i do better next year? I feel very much like i'm in the generativity vs. stagnation phase. I am sooooo aging 😫.

Smelling
nothing. Thinking about buying a scented candle.

Wishing
that the last weeks of 2018 would be peaceful. No holidays for me so i wish for productivity as well, and joy and more love for everyone!

Hoping
the year ends well and the new year starts well.

Wearing
pajamas.

Loving
the gloomy mornings, the cool weather, the sunny afternoons, the clear skies at night, the painting ideas i see online, and the americano from costa.

Wanting
to buy more books and really read them. And i want a real book-time too.

Needing
to laundry?

Feeling
sad. For John kkk. Today was Dr. Lino's farewell party. He's leaving the company after maybe 5 years. I've never worked with him, but what i hear from his assistant, the way he works, how he treats the patients and the people around, i believe he is a good doctor. People come... and some don't stay. John will miss him for sure!

Clicking
christmas presents? Just 😅


Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Ponderings

What's cooking? Nothing. If i wasn't in bed staring blankly in space, or travelling back and forth to the kitchen and the bedroom, of course i'd be working in that far far away land. Vacation, for most, means relaxing at the beach, eating out, shopping, meeting friends, family time, rest. Sounds wonderful.

I don't know what it means to me.

I am alone at the moment. When i start to look for everyone, they're just about to go somewhere. How ironic that i got an extended family and yet i'm always alone. Somebody just abduct me!

I've gone out thrice so far which thankfully kept my boredom at bay. But i can't stand staying out for too long, so here i am complaining. That's all about my not so galore vacation haha. I feel i'm too relaxed, but also mentally drained coz i've been thinking about what to do. Oh yeah i'm writing.

Currently thinking about the now, the job, how i balance the social and private life, how i'm trying to prove something, how i picture what the later life i'd like to be. If all these were school subjects, i'd never graduate 🤣🤓. In elementary, when asked what i wanted to be, i said i wanted to be a teacher. Then i grew up and realized that some things were not for me. They're for other people.

It's amazing how we adjust 🙂.

How did i even survive school life! I hated math and english, i showed little interest in history, filipino was terrible, oh i loved pharmacology in college, i was drawing or reading something else when bored during lectures, and attention called countless times- ms. Porcal, sit in front!

My first job was "online teaching"- dream come true! It was not out of the calling, but as a fresh graduate i was thriving and trying to be independent. Which was not easy. So getting that job was just to support myself financially while hunting for a job in the scary world of nursing. Which was not easy too.

Sad reasons to support that:
*You need to volunteer first before you can apply as a regular staff.
*You pay to get that "volunteer job".
*You have zero chance to be hired when the hospital needs 5 and 1000 000 of you applied. Hahaha
*I was the laziest person out there.

I taught online for 4 years, of which from the second year i was also working voluntarily at a town hospital- so basically one paid and one unpaid job. It took me so much mental preparation and self-convincing to start the hospital work coz i was lazy, i was enjoying teaching, and i was lazy. Always. Forever. But doin 2 jobs at the same time wasn't very easy. Teaching during the day and nursing at night. For 2 years. Sleepless. Restless. On my 26th birthday i finally decided to quit teaching, and after a month i quit the volunteer work. A sudden change, but i was already waiting for a go signal from the company i applied a new job for.

It's been 2 years since i got that job. Whenever i try something new, i always never enjoy it from the start. But as i've said it's amazing how we adjust. Now lovin it. Grateful to have it, coz not all people who want to have a job get one. The stress make me live. The people teach me so many things.

I think, whatever makes you happy, you don't really have to be good at it. Just engage in it. Whether it's painting or swimming or photography. Sky's the limit. If you wish to try something new, engaging helps you learn and gives you an experience. Practice this Irish!

I am looking forward to be working again, which i terribly miss, and the coworkers, the familiar place, the routine, the stress.

Maybe bein away for a while means a chance to ponder on things. Just like now. Alone. At home. On vacation.

The Sunday Currently | 38

Ah Sunday. Like any other usual days. But how to calm down when it's 5 days away from vacation? And it's really just 5 days away and there's no stoppin the time like as of this moment of writing i'm getting closer and closer to it 😫😟😱😭😑😥😣😢. Am i heading off to the DMZ? Coz i don't know how the hell i feel right now.

Currently, I am

Reading
a Nicholas Sparks novel, tryin to soothe my brain. Try harder.

Writing
work related stuff. And some lenghty messages to certain people that i'm 99% sure i will never be able to send.

Listening
to a piano piece that Soojin played and recorded and sent me 7 years ago.

Thinking
as usual, overthinking about everything.

Smelling
fresh sheets while imagining i'm home and that i'll be sleepin on the floor not caring about who's around and no alarm to bother me the next day, and that i'll be awaken by the sound of a neighborhood rooster or the rain 😌.

Wishing
i stick to the original plan. People say it's better not to plan and just do things spontaneously to avoid disappointment. But i say better be ready. When plans don't work out or when things turn upside down, i've learned to accept that some things aren't just meant to be. Sometimes when i can't understand why things end up the way i didn't expect, i've also learned the importance of opening up to people whom i know can deal with complexities in life.

Hoping
there's no typhoon the entire vacation! Heavy rains is ok so i could have good excuse to stay home but no typhoon pls.

Wearing
pyjamas.

Loving
the pics Carlo sent me. I'm gonna be way too early for harvest.

Wanting
a cbr with brp if that's possible? 😫😥

Needing
a good sleep. Even just for this week please 😫.

Feeling
the inexplicable.

Clicking
places my brother and a friend suggested we should see. Isla Gigantes and Mararison Islands look gorgeous in the pictures i guess we'll have to check them out in person. 



Peaceful Sunday everyone!

Dear Rish,

There's something about today. Something you didn't look forward to, coz there's so much you can't seem to let go behind. You feel blue. Now you are 28. How you've lived an eternity, but you also feel like you've just begun. Today isn't supposed to be alloted for thoughts of what you could’ve been, what you don’t have, what you can't do, what you could've done...but i know you can't help it. You sum up your quarter life, and conclude it's all empty. When you look in the mirror and see your very self, you see the person that's hard to love.

Aren't you too hard on yourself?! 😆🤣

Before they doubt your sanity, i want you to know i don't judge you. I know it's just how you are, you know yourself. Let yourself be a little nostalgic. You need it. It has become an essential part of you. It's your birthday today, so it won't hurt to lament.

Life is slow and fast at the same time. Everyday seems a little heavier, a little harder, a little sadder. Here's another year. Would you smile! You owe it to yourself today at least. And the little girl you once were would have wanted the same. Be a little kinder to yourself. You're not perfect.

I know what you're thinking.

"This was a long road, but some years were a shortcut. Where has my childhood gone? I was once that little bumpkin playing in the rain catching toads, or laughing under that big bright moon in a warm summer night".

In one blink it's all just a memory. You wish to go back in time. There's so much you wanted to do, you wanted to be. Now they're all just wishes. Being 28 makes you feel like you missed half of it, yet when you were little you thought you've experienced it all.

Every year you're learning about yourself, and forgetting too. All you understand and accept is that you're forever weird. That's a fact and that's OKAY. You've got countless failures and losses but you've reached this far, still alive and kickin and laughing. What a long life at 28. Can you imagine? And your weirdness never left you. You must feel awesome 😊.

You're blue, but I know you are happy too.
Coz despite being so flawed, so insecure, so left behind, so alone, so all over the place, so weird...you've got a loving family ❤. You've met and made amazing friends from different backgrounds and culture ❤. And most importantly you've got yourself- so rare 🤣🤣🤣.

Stop being so dramatic. Tell you this. If you think life has just started now- it's okay, mas vale tarde que nunca. You can't cook- don't worry, leave it to your brothers. You're scared of clowns- call a police when you see one. You've got no cake- get yourself a balloon. You always get lost- google map. You're weird- stay as you are. There's so much you want to do, you want to be, you want to learn- spend another 28 years. That's okay!

Happy Birthday Irish.

The Sunday Currently | 37

It feels foreign that i'm hitting the "new post" button again after being on hiatus for over a month. I think i kind of forgot that i do write sometimes. Or should i just give credits to my being lazy, or my usual fragmented thoughts that's not worth sharing. Or i could actually explain here a little. The past weeks have been quite busy. The work, the team building, weekend nights out, plans plans plans, this and that.

When i write it's usually out of plan to do so or when there's a sudden urge to do it, but today i am writing bcoz there's something i wanna tell myself. I don't know yet what it is...it's in progress. You know writing helps you realize some things, clarifies things, changes your perception about certain things, or just lifts the weight off of your head. So technically i'm writing not out of inspiration but to find a solution to something. It is also for me to see how updated i am with my own life. I feel like a lot has been happening lately, but do i respond slowly to change or do i refuse to accept what's new? That i don't know.

It's the last Sunday of July, unbelievably.
And in November it's goin to be my second year here in KSA. The past 21 months have impacted me a lot. When i remember the day i got on the plane and realized that i had to be by myself for 2 years, i feel emotional. It's a mixture of sadness and loneliness and homesickness, and at the same time happiness. Naturally anyone would feel homesick being away from home and the family. Now I'm about 10 weeks away from my vacation, thus explains the happiness. For so many reasons. I think i'm a totally different person now than 2 years ago. I mean in some ways i'm still the same crazy sister that my brothers used to love, the same cry baby and stubborn daughter that my parents always understood, the same sweet Rish that my old friends used to know hehehe. But in a positive sense, i've become a new Rish. Being away from the parents, who have always been my eyes, arms, and feet, i thought i would never survive. But for "sending me away", i thank them for that.

Dear mother and father, i still rely on you on so many things, but i tell you, i have learned so so much in life 😭.

I've become more independent now.

I find it easier now to decide on certain things on the spot.

I have become emotionally and mentally stronger.

I have become financially literate.

I have become more patient.

I can now boil an egg and make ramyeon. In short i can make my own meal.

I have widened my social circle (i hope you are proud), i have become closer with my siblings (we keep in touch regularly now), i have learned dental assisting!

I have met wonderful and amazing people. They have touched my life greatly and i really appreciate them.

And too many to mention...

Sorry that it's quite a long intro when i just wanted to write this tsc.

Currently I am...

Reading
The 1987 Constitution of the Republic of the Philippines. It's good to have some knowledge about the supreme law, but honestly it's something i and most of the citizens don't really give attention to or care about. Reading it coz facebook keeps on reminding me of my "saved posts".

Writing
this post, and the possible itinerary for vacation. The thought of having a vacation should excite me, however i am apprehensive and i just don't know how to enjoy it. So in this case i leave it to my parents. There there. Dependence again. But as i've said i'm writing an itinerary just so i could tell them my own plan. Expect mine to be messy tho.

Listening
to the aircon, and playing my playlist in full volume to try to drown the sound of the ac.

Thinking
that connecting with people who are knowledgeable and more experienced and full of wisdom, is such a lovely thing. It's surprising how a simple advice turns out to be the one you exactly need. It's comforting to know that they exist, and they don't judge, they encourage you, and bring out the best in you. You just have to be more open, and speak your heart out and listen to what they have to say.

Smelling
nothing.

Wishing
i'm working! But i'm "not allowed" to work today like it's a crime heol.

Hoping
for a fun filled? vacation.

Wearing
i'm supposed to be in my uniform! But heol.

Loving
this view in front of me.

Not the books coz i'm not reading any of them, but that giant lollipop lying on top. I am so careful not to unwrap it yet coz i so love looking at it for now. Besides i still have a few sticks left from the smaller one i opened. Thanks to the ever sweet and thoughtful Dr. Farah for this.

Wanting
to write about the team building that took place recently. And all the weekend nights we spent out to celebrate a friend's birthday, a farewell party, a wedding anniversary. But they've all piled up in my head and i'm not in the mood to write about them anymore. And i want to post some videos here but my phone might explode. Yes you're right i'm using my phone to write. So here's just the summary.

*Limbert's birthday.

*Mon and Rachel's farewell party.

*Ate Jane's and kuya Jep's wedding anniv.

*Team building.

Needing
more caffeine to survive today, coz i'm literally dying of boredom. I also need to iron my uniform, wash my shoes, organize my closet, eat something. Ahh so today sounds busy really?!

Feeling
unemployed?! Feverish. Strange. Okay bored. Honestly a day off is something i don't ask for, or something i need, coz i'm totally okay with my routine. But pls since you're giving me it, just let me have my Friday off back and i could thank heavens for that. Why on a Sunday!

Clicking
the playlist, blogger, Facebook.


P.S.

I feel lost most of the time, and i feel like i haven't achieved anything. Everything that's happening feels like getting me nowhere, but i pray i figure it all out sooner or later. And really...i'm trying to find and pick myself up over and over again. And i hope to make myself proud one day...