Listening to...

...my instrumental playlist gets me nostalgic. There's a tender feeling that overwhelms me. I'm fine. No. I don't know exactly how i'm doing. I'm alone at the moment. I always am. I don't like it sometimes. I love it most of the time. 

But I'd be glad to find someone who could talk all day without having me to say anything. I'm more of a listener. I just can't come up with anything to talk about so i'd rather listen. And if i happen to be the one who starts the topic i can't keep a continuous conversation because when i'm being listened i feel awkward and i lose concentration. 

Haaa so stupid. No good at talking. Wishin i could find a good coffee shop to grab a cup of black coffee, or a library to get myself lost in a good book. Heaven. Or just any other places where it's completely fine to be by myself. The gloomy weather would make it perfect. I just hate that whenever i think of these things it's usually at times when it's impossible to go out because i'm at work or there's a heavy storm, or it's late at night already, just like now. *time check 11:00 pm.

The time feels so long as i listen to the songs that bring back old memories, happy and sad. So i wanna tuck myself away in bed and dream of the things i'm wishing. It could probably ease away my longing when i wake up. But i'm not sleepy, i can't sleep rather. I'm thinking. I'm thinking about what's exactly on my mind. Right now, i'm all by myself, waiting for something to come up...maybe my roommate coming from a date, a text message from the brothers, a new concept to draw. I don't feel like reading the 3 books i bought last weekend. I'm not interested anymore. I mean I want to read or draw now. I'm just waiting for a strong urge. I'm usually like that. I usually wait for a trigger that signals me to do something. In that case i don't have time to think twice. I just do it right away. 

With my life so stuck, still stuck, I'm trying to just continue and live with it and maybe try to step up on the next level of something i don't know. But something holds me back. Probably it's just me. Yes it's actually me. My mind has a strong control over me. What do i need to do. What do i need to change. I just want to laugh my thoughts away. I used to cheer myself up whenever i felt this way in the past, but now it's no longer working. 

It's surprising how i waste 6 hours on a weekend or hours on a weekday doing nothing, because it's the time when i usually can't think of anything to do. But when i'm busy there are many other things i think of doing. How crazy is that. I get mentally exhausted just by thinking which thing to do first. So everything gets disorganized, plans and priorities are not sorted out well, a strong motivation to do something is suddenly gone. When i cannot focus it tends to affect my mood. When i become moody, i don't like to talk, I don't talk. I think it's better that way because i can avoid saying things that could hurt others. But people around me, like my friends, think that i'm snobbish because i ignore them. They could tell that somethings wrong with me when i'm quiet. So they bother me to share with them what worries me, which i really hate to do. 

Anyway, Valentines day is around the corner. Woahh good for those who are going on a date, good for me for am gonna be dating the books, sketch pads and our dog. It falls on a Sunday so i'll be by myself again. Actually i don't think of Vday as anything special anymore. Or i stopped thinking that it's special when i graduated from elementary. My classmates and i used to give each other cards and flowers, but in high school, students gave cards and flowers to their special someone only. I'd be glad to just spend time in the countryside. I'd love to get lost in peace and serenity for a while. That's what is special for me.  Or i could ask my brother to pick some coconuts, and we'd sit on the balcony while sipping coconut juice, chatting and feeling the cool breeze, and just feeding our eyes with the spectacular view in front of our house. Or i could just lock myself in my room, disarrange and arrange the books on my small table, lie on the floor, walk back and forth, stare at the curtains, open random boxes and close 'em, snuggle in bed, play songs...(narrating what i exactly do when i'm at home in my room).

Hmm, i need to download some more instrumental songs, for i will be spending a quite long weekend this coming lunar new year *02/6-10*. It's gonna be a musical holiday for me ~_~ 

You

Some days make me wonder...if there's one you meant for me. I have never experienced falling in love yet. I don't know exactly what it means, how it feels like. I just think when the day comes that we cross path, i can tell it is love. Sometimes i ask myself, 'am i naive'? Why don't i feel the love that others experience. Why is it hard for me to develop an affection when it takes only seconds for others to fall head over heels in love. What's wrong with me? But there are also times that there's a feeling so strong, it tells me to keep searching, to keep waiting, to keep holding on. In this life so complicated, the chance of meeting you seems hopeless. In this vast universe leading to uncertain directions, i can't trust the my own steps. So i am just waiting for you to find me. I am so afraid that i may get lost on the way. It baffles me that I've been existing for a long time but i haven't found you yet. But then again my feeling tells me, you are somewhere out there. Are you waiting for me too? How are we going to find each other...we are running out of time. But whether i find you or not, i am thankful to find comfort just by thinking about you. I am grateful that my feelings make me hope for, search for, wait for...someone like you. 

Rish-

The Sunday Currently | 13

Silence, chilly morning, fast food, novels... lovin Sundays this way. How many times have i spent Sundays alone? Countless times and i love how it lets me focus on myself, i mean not entirely, because when i'm alone i also think about how others are doing...the family and friends. I'm so accustomed to this. I think, being by oneself but not feeling lonely is a beautiful thing. 

Currently I am...

Reading 
the plot of 'The Same Sweet Girls' and of the 2 other new novels. So tis how i read nowadays, just a page or two and even before i could finish i'm already thinking what i should read next. What a habit. So i can't call it reading right? What's the right term for that. 

Writing 
The Sunday Currently 13 and a short note am gonna give to Beverly. If she happens to read this it's no surprise anymore. Actually i don't like surprising people just as i don't like being surprised. By the way the note says "I'm sweet". It's edible yeah. 

Listening 
to 'Things I Fancy' by Daniela Andrade~~~

Thinking
of ways to make the first day of February productive. But just the thought of tomorrow makes me feel lazy already. 

Smelling 
the fabcon on my shirt ~_~ #downypamore hahaha

Wishing 
to stop being lazy. So lazy to read and draw and clean my room. I admit i'm the laziest person on earth now. 

Hoping
to wake up not feeling groggy tomorrow. How could i not expect that when i know am gonna sleep late and my alarm is set at 5:30?...

Wearing 
white hoody, jagger pants, brown sneakers and brown cap. 

Loving
the weather and the feeling that urges me to write religiously especially on weekends when i feel guilty wasting my free time. Let this feeling last pls. 

Wanting
to go home now and just lie down and wrap myself in a blanket, but i still have something to do out here. 

Needing
a new USB. I need to transfer all the videos i downloaded because the one am using is the company's. Mine is already full. 

Feeling 
my head and eyes so heavy. 

Clicking 
Facebook again! Why can't i be addicted to books instead of Facebook! ugh




"There are times when alone is the best place to be."©

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Our girl~~~

here's your photo when you were a day old...

Howdy? I'm here thinkin of you again. You had to go somewhere far and we couldn't spend much time together. It saddens me. But back then you didn't know what was going on, because you were barely 2 years old. Your mom (my adopted sister) decided to have her own family, and we had to be apart. It was one of the saddest day ever. It still hurts, but i understood your mom. We wanted her to be happy too. 

Seeing you again after a year, I thought you wouldn't recognize me. But when you ran to my arms all the longings faded. You remembered me like we were apart only yesterday. 

You are the family's baby forever. I miss you so much. I miss you every day. If only you were here, we would love to see you grow up and enjoy the simple pleasures in life. I want to teach you how to write and read and draw. I would be the happiest to teach you everything, and to protect you from the harsh world. 

We're not related but i just love you deeply, little girl. You brought us so much delight. You were one of the greatest gifts in the family. I can never forget your first cry when you were born, the first time you opened your eyes, the first time you grasped my finger, the first time you smiled, the first time you lifted your head, the first time i changed your diaper, the first time i taught you to walk, your first words...everything. 

You started to talk at 14 months and you would call me by my nickname (nene). You were the sweetest. You were also the most adorable for you would cry seeing me leave the house for a while. You would always want to walk by yourself just when i wanted to carry you. 

You were the daughter i never had, just as your mom was the sister i never had. I pray for the day to come when we will all be together again. 

I miss you this small. 

P.S. Whenever i hear your voice over the phone, i can't help but laugh. You speak a different dialect now. But even though we sound foreign to each other, our hearts understand : ).  

I love you forever, Tanya. Take care little one. ❤❤❤

The Sunday Currently | 12

It's Sunday once again, which means many things to me...things to do, to think, to make, to expect, to dream, and just anything in spontaneity. A very early morning start made me yawning the entire day. However i also couldn't let this day pass without witnessing the biggest event in the city. Today was Dinagyang Festival! 

Yes. You know already what it means...generously decorated streets, food stalls, souvenir booths, locals and foreigners, heat, traffic, the crowd, loud music, henna tattoo, friends, families, and of course Street dance! Now after a long and tiring day i'm stuck here wanting to document everything i saw and i did today but my brain is kinda exhausted, so i'm just writing my TSC. 

Currently I am...

Reading 

the history of Inca Empire. Oh my, why am i reading this all of a sudden... Something's wrong with me. 

Writing 

The Sunday Currently 12.

Listening 

to Christian Bautista's songs ♪ ♫♪ ♫. I love him. I love you.

Thinking

if i should eat PODS or not. It's right in front of me right now. 

Smelling 

my shirt. Smells like smoke! The food stalls grilling meat were everywhere today. Must take a much needed bath when i get home kkk. 

Wishing 

for the next day to wake up without an alarm. But even without it i automatically wake up the same time each morning. I just wish i could sleep longer without my body clock interrupting it. 

Hoping

for days filled with love and peace for everyone.

Wearing 

white tee, shorts, red sneakers and red cap. 

Loving

the city's atmosphere. It just feels cheery at the moment because of the festival kkk

Wanting

to finish the landscape drawing I've started two days ago but i'm just so tired. 

Needing

sleep! And a good cup of iced coffee before going to bed! Please : (

Feeling 

tired but good because i got to spend time with Autumn and Lovely again. Somehow missing the other company but i know we'll be spending time anytime soon. 

Clicking 

Facebook, and YouTube videos again and again and again. 

Hanging out with old friends and saying "remember when..."©

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The Sunday Currently | 11

Feelin like January is over...how to catch up with the time's pace???

Currently I am...

Reading
"That Summer" by Andrew Greig. I promised myself not to buy any novels this month but the title just seems so interesting. And i don't know now what to do with the other novels i didn't finish reading after scanning a couple of pages of 'em.

Writing 
this entry and rewriting my drafts again and again. I'm so easily distracted by internet and social media i just can't finish what I've been promising myself to get done. You know i see a lot of videos, photos , gossips and so on and i'm stuck on those for hours.

Listening 
to Yiruma again~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~.........................................

Thinking
of buying something for my youngest brother. He's not celebrating a special day or whatsoever. I just think that he'd be glad (of course) if he receives something on a random day. Also wishin to watch dinagyang with him ^ ^

Smelling 
nothing atm.

Wishing
my family and friends all the goodness in life. Safety, peace, good health, love for everybody.

Hoping
for a good week ahead.

Wearing
light gray shirt with "love you with all of my heart" print on it, a cap and black socks too.

Loving
today's Daily scripture text: Let each one keep seeking, not his own advantage, but that of the other person.—1 Cor. 10:24.

Wanting
to buy soft pastel and brushes...but, could somebody just give me those things???

Needing
nothing material. Just guidance, motivation, purpose...and to know what to prioritize.

Feeling 
happy for my good friends Lovely and Autumn. The two are so madly in-love with their boyfriends. So cool! hahaha

Clicking 
Facebook, and YouTube vids.



"The best feeling of happiness is when you're happy because you've made somebody else happy." ©

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Dear Judith

Dear Judith,

While i was choosing my clothes to wear this morning i remembered you all of a sudden. I don't know why, just suddenly you popped into my mind. 11 years ago we met and we instantly became very close friends. We were high school sophomores back then. We were the exact opposite. You were very talkative and outgoing and noisy, while i was quiet and reserved and hesitant. But i just loved the way you were. We lost contact when i went to university, and i didn't have any idea if you went to college too, since we couldn't communicate by any  means as we didn't have cellphone or telephone. I also didn't know your exact address, and i was sure you didn't know mine too. It's just funny that we never bothered to ask each other. 

I can still remember one day you came to my house. You didn't know my address right? But you said you just asked some people in town if they knew my father, and they helped you find my place. You came to ask permission from my father if i could go with you to your house next town. I can't remember exactly, but i guess you just wanted me to see your place. You're so thoughtful. And the fact that you really tried to find my place was just amazing. It was very very far! Anyway, my father allowed me to go with you because he didn't want to embarrass or disappoint you. 

We took a tricycle and jeepney and another tricycle. We walked in the rice fields under the heat, and we trekked from the foot of the mountain to the top, and we walked through the woods, and we passed by a brook. Damn, i needed to breath. You didn't tell me how it was to get there! But there's no going back. I knew how hard it was for you to go to my place too. 

When we got to your house i was warmly greeted by your mother and relatives. I felt at home. We talked and laughed and just relaxed. We also ate steamed bananas or sweet potato? I was so happy. 

We shared a lot of good memories ^ ^. I only saw you again about 3 years ago at the hospital where  i was doing my volunteer work. I wasn't sure if it was you, but i stared at you for a long time. You stared back and i knew right away...i felt right away it was really you. Judith, my good friend, i wanted to cry at that time. It was so nice to see you again. I realized i missed you so much. You said you're already married to a German guy and you showed me a picture of your cute baby son. I was so proud and happy for you. You also said you battled against cancer (i forgot what kind of CA), but you were healed then. I forgot to ask your number but i added you in Facebook kkkkk. 

How are you doing nowadays? I'm missing you again, my good friend. I pray you're always doing great and having a good time. I hope your mother is doing well too. Take care. I love you. 




Rish