...my instrumental playlist gets me nostalgic. There's a tender feeling that overwhelms me. I'm fine. No. I don't know exactly how i'm doing. I'm alone at the moment. I always am. I don't like it sometimes. I love it most of the time.
But I'd be glad to find someone who could talk all day without having me to say anything. I'm more of a listener. I just can't come up with anything to talk about so i'd rather listen. And if i happen to be the one who starts the topic i can't keep a continuous conversation because when i'm being listened i feel awkward and i lose concentration.
Haaa so stupid. No good at talking. Wishin i could find a good coffee shop to grab a cup of black coffee, or a library to get myself lost in a good book. Heaven. Or just any other places where it's completely fine to be by myself. The gloomy weather would make it perfect. I just hate that whenever i think of these things it's usually at times when it's impossible to go out because i'm at work or there's a heavy storm, or it's late at night already, just like now. *time check 11:00 pm.
The time feels so long as i listen to the songs that bring back old memories, happy and sad. So i wanna tuck myself away in bed and dream of the things i'm wishing. It could probably ease away my longing when i wake up. But i'm not sleepy, i can't sleep rather. I'm thinking. I'm thinking about what's exactly on my mind. Right now, i'm all by myself, waiting for something to come up...maybe my roommate coming from a date, a text message from the brothers, a new concept to draw. I don't feel like reading the 3 books i bought last weekend. I'm not interested anymore. I mean I want to read or draw now. I'm just waiting for a strong urge. I'm usually like that. I usually wait for a trigger that signals me to do something. In that case i don't have time to think twice. I just do it right away.
With my life so stuck, still stuck, I'm trying to just continue and live with it and maybe try to step up on the next level of something i don't know. But something holds me back. Probably it's just me. Yes it's actually me. My mind has a strong control over me. What do i need to do. What do i need to change. I just want to laugh my thoughts away. I used to cheer myself up whenever i felt this way in the past, but now it's no longer working.
It's surprising how i waste 6 hours on a weekend or hours on a weekday doing nothing, because it's the time when i usually can't think of anything to do. But when i'm busy there are many other things i think of doing. How crazy is that. I get mentally exhausted just by thinking which thing to do first. So everything gets disorganized, plans and priorities are not sorted out well, a strong motivation to do something is suddenly gone. When i cannot focus it tends to affect my mood. When i become moody, i don't like to talk, I don't talk. I think it's better that way because i can avoid saying things that could hurt others. But people around me, like my friends, think that i'm snobbish because i ignore them. They could tell that somethings wrong with me when i'm quiet. So they bother me to share with them what worries me, which i really hate to do.
Anyway, Valentines day is around the corner. Woahh good for those who are going on a date, good for me for am gonna be dating the books, sketch pads and our dog. It falls on a Sunday so i'll be by myself again. Actually i don't think of Vday as anything special anymore. Or i stopped thinking that it's special when i graduated from elementary. My classmates and i used to give each other cards and flowers, but in high school, students gave cards and flowers to their special someone only. I'd be glad to just spend time in the countryside. I'd love to get lost in peace and serenity for a while. That's what is special for me. Or i could ask my brother to pick some coconuts, and we'd sit on the balcony while sipping coconut juice, chatting and feeling the cool breeze, and just feeding our eyes with the spectacular view in front of our house. Or i could just lock myself in my room, disarrange and arrange the books on my small table, lie on the floor, walk back and forth, stare at the curtains, open random boxes and close 'em, snuggle in bed, play songs...(narrating what i exactly do when i'm at home in my room).
Hmm, i need to download some more instrumental songs, for i will be spending a quite long weekend this coming lunar new year *02/6-10*. It's gonna be a musical holiday for me ~_~
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