Into the unknown

 

It’s a gloomy chilly afternoon and I am writing from the office chair at the second floor of this alien building, using this alien desktop, and there’s aliens everywhere. Being abducted to this place feels like i’ve been born again. Quite literally. Good grief. I had to start from scratch, but a stubborn that i am, i am not starting from scratch. The least i could do is to continue what little i have started, try to connect things maybe, or transition. No, maybe no. Just sail with the current, either i drift or learn how to swim. I don’t like any shift no more!

The little thing i appreciate this past week is the weather. The last three days had scattered precipitation that somehow tapered off the sunshine if you’ve noticed. T’was gloomy all week. The temperature dropped significantly in my opinion, i don’t rely on forecast lol. I rely on how my body reacts to the temperature, when it’s cold, i say it’s winter. When it’s hot, it’s summer lol.

I love rain, I’m a pluviophile. There’s something magical about it. Never the same kind of rain but always gives you the same warm feeling. There’s something peaceful about it despite its sound. Plus while the rain falls, everywhere seems void of aliens.

I am disoriented these days. The routine changed quite suddenly. It’s not anymore like waking up in the morning and knowing what’s up for the day, not anymore like knowing what to do even with eyes closed. These days it’s all about anxiety and not even wanting to close your eyes or else you’ll miss one thing and screw everything up.

Seriously enough, i miss home! I miss coming home to my parents and telling on the people who screwed my day. I am getting a little sappy now, but i have to compose myself. (Aliens are passing by in front of my desk at the moment).

Life is changed by having responsibilities. I always tell myself i want to change, so i have to be responsible, learning simple stuff to start with. But honestly i cannot imagine how i am going to look after my aging parents *cries* when i cannot even cook *cries*, or i cannot even do basic carpentry, i cannot even go to places without getting lost. Years ago i bought this DIY book which i am pretty sure will come in handy in the future. I at least have this thought which makes me feel responsible. You see the Halo over my head?

These days i have the luxury to enjoy the little things. I read or write when i want to. I take time to drink my coffee and have 5 sticks of lollipops in a row, or listen to music. I absolutely love music. I am actually listening to my playlist now on low volume, writing, remembering the good old days, sipping coffee that i had to hide under the desk, and just appreciating this gloomy day.

Sometimes, a bit too often, i miss working til i’m breathless. Most importantly i miss working with people i share the same values with. I seem to always complain about how life is, but i do appreciate the little things:

Writing, even just a little.

Reading what i told myself will never read (currently reading The Da Vinci Code)

The park next to this alien building where i can take a walk.

The instrumental music playing all day.

This beautiful weather.

Reminiscence

Almost there. I’ve passed the stage 1 REM. Then a long train of thoughts come racing. The battle begins. The more I try, the harder it is to fall asleep. The mind is on the streets, eyes on the ceiling, lights dancing. I am missing the past and one old place. My mother’s place where I had no or very little recollection. Yet vivid. It pains me almost instantly when it comes to mind. I had not spent life there yet it played a pivotal role in the creation of my memories. The house is more or less half a century older than me, now in a ramshackle state. Countless storms had passed, the people never doubled. Mother must have had lived a lonely life, or should I say boring. She had never narrated how she was as a kid, as a teenager, or someone before becoming a mother. She is extremely reticent and very undemonstrative, like a character that’s not around. Sometimes I think she’s both like a mother and a stranger to me, and that’s what is special about her. I’m never gonna ask, but if she happens to read this, she’d most likely get me into a tete a tete. She is very reserved. I assume she grew up in an enigmatic family. But i know it was their unbreakable bond per se that mattered. I am trying to preserve the little fragments of them. My grandpa bedridden, the taciturn uncle who was around at a great infrequency, and my mother’s younger sister who would always sew matching clothes for me. There were gardens left and right. Flowers here and there. Melons, papayas, bananas, mangoes, sugar apple and vegetables of all sorts. Rice paddies. No neighbors in close proximity. Did I ever live there? Did my grandparents from both sides ever bond? I don’t know.

Years ago when we went to the cemetery to light candles, I had an important discovery. The grandpa died in 1996, the maternal grandmother and my mother's older sister died in 1993, six days apart. Based on the stories I’ve heard of my Aunt (not from my mother but from some neighbors who would tell long ago stories of other people’s lives LOL), she was very brainy. She was also obsessive compulsive. Then she went mad. You know what i mean? Like mentally ill. How absurd. I feel like i've never met the granny on the other hand.

Slowly, the disconnected pieces fit together little by little. There were 3 deaths once upon my childhood. One rainy night we had to be at 'i don't know whose' wake. We were residing at the paternal family by then. Father had to piggyback my older brother, I riding on his neck, Harry in his arms. It was dark and cold on the way, and the sound of his heavy steps against the ankle-deep rain was one of my memories. The elders were there. One was doing a ritual or a prayer or i don't know what on earth, in a foreign language, probably Latin. While doing so, the candles floated in the air. What kind of sorcery! Was it just my playful imagination? Or I construed it was witchcraft LOL. I had no sense of fear. But when I think of that bizarre experience now, it’s enough to make me tachycardic.

Once upon my mother's duty as a wife, she brought me and the younger brothers to a kilometer far health center for vaccination. We had to walk. Harry and I parading, closely following her steps, Carlo in her arms (fast asleep?). It was rainy as far as I remember. Slippery. Muddy. We had to cross a small brook with a couple of bamboo logs that served as a footbridge. Out of nowhere she dropped Carlo. Yes, in the brook. The umbrella half dipped in the water and Carlo's head nowhere in sight. I don't know if we ever completed the vaccine 😔.

Meanwhile, the brain is still wrestling. Wide awake. Or am I half dreaming? Somber thoughts and heavy feeling, but like a friendly weight. Thoughts that take you somewhere familiar to make you feel secure and assure you that you're not devoid of memories. Coz they are too good to be forgotten. I see myself from afar, doing things all over again. Like Déjà vu. Then the sudden sharp pain that wakes you up from out-of-body experience.

Just few hours to the alarm so I might as well not sleep at all. It’s this quiescent state again when the adrenaline kicks in with a sudden bog down in return. Saturdays in particular, break you free only to make you feel exhausted, almost sick. Probably it's the sudden spike of nicotine, or a hungover, or the high cholesterol or caffeine overdose. I would always say I have no intention of burdening myself with tasks needed to be done beyond the working hours. There's no desire to exert one bit more than I absolutely had to, coz it’s all futile. But anywhere that's not a workplace is like a very unproductive place. Workplace has become a life place. Now the system is an 8-hour work plus 5 to 6 hours volunteerism. And so the guilt is paid.

If I was home in PH, I’d probably be rummaging through anything I could get my hands on to. Boxes of things we have nowhere to place...Christmas décor, photo albums, vases, curtains, cutlery, condiment bottles, screw drivers, etc. At home I could be an unorthodox me, sleeping like a log or wandering like a restless owl.

If I was in that old place, I’d definitely take my time, I’d watch the world go by. I'd appreciate how nothing pretty much exceptional happens, coz I love what’s slow and warm. I love where i could be myself. 

1st January 2021

I usually welcome the new year like any ordinary day. I mean like not doin anything special…just a simple meal with the family or friends. We are not so traditional…not so superstitious. I ended 2019 without expectations and no goals set for 2020. Can’t clearly remember how the last year started but It was the volcanic eruption and Australian bushfire that come to mind. Apparently they were not the only occurrence that welcomed 2020, but my selective memory could recall only those. I know man. You are looking for the word COVID-19. It sums up the entire 2020. (I am just saying my 2020 was not entranced by COVID because I did not know much about it back then and it was only later in March that I took it seriously). Then came the lockdown. The very definition of it. It made the world stop, din’t it. Postponed events, cancelled flights, etc. Absolute chaos. What’s your quarantine diaries? 

The pandemic made me think we're all like everyone else. That we're no different from each other. We're all depressed and paranoid, traumatized and exhausted. We’re all goin through the same storm, they say. I was watching the whole time. This year long drama that exposed the conflicts and viewers could see them…feel them.

We all have this unconscious habit of falling into the dark pit. But as soon as we’re almost at the bottom we spring back up. Just like how I saw people dealt with the situation differently. It became a chance to step back and make use of what’s in front of them. It became like a go signal. You probably got that one friend who instantly turned into a chef or an artist, or that neighbor who transformed every space of her house into a garden (hello to all plantitas out there). You have your own story to tell. It’s endless. The magic is in the little daily mundane things.

They say good things take time. Maybe healing will take time. Everyday will seem like it’s raining. But who doesn’t want to see the sun? You see we all have to drag our feet and keep going. It’s about staying trapped or goin to the farthest place possible. Coming from me! Lol.

Happy new year everyone. I pray you are all safe wherever you are and whatever you’re doing.

P.S. And my wish for you and for me, is to find strength to do things that aren’t in our nature.

Past and Present perfect

Does anyone still sleep anymore? Are we both tossing and turning? Oh i must share that i finished watching CLOY in a flash. Bandwagon. And i've read the biographies of all the casts. No effort. And out of the blue, i came accross Manny Pacquiao's son's vlog but was not really interested so i ended up watching Pacman's boxing matches in his entire 20 year career. Then everything related to him started to pop up in my feed. Algorithm. Tired. But sleep would not claim me. And so for a change i reread the 9/11 incident and rememorized the Nightingale Pledge, and watched my stress reliever- Mukbang. But wow it didn't even inspire my appetite. How long has it been since i last had a proper meal. Hey coffee is meal. And maybe 18 oranges in 7 weeks. You see, i don't know exactly how to handle life now. I wish it handles me and i'd follow wherever it takes. For weeks i've been stuck. I spent days and nights blankly. Lately it's all about excessive coffee. Little or no sleep. It's not adrenaline. It's just playing shit with me. I have not been reading or writing or doing anything anymore. I am just here trying to stay sane. I wish to come home. But it hurts to genuinely want something that i eventually stopped wishing for it. It's scary out there isn't it? It's full of impending turmoil. I don't see anything clearly. It's unpredictable.

There's too much in my head that i'm dying to pen them down. Down the memory lane..

11.14.2019 (17:05)- Tower

I can't remember why i was outside that night. I just happened to be there. It was my youngest brother's birthday but it had nothing to do with this picture. This tower. I don't know what's in there, who's in there. I've never been there. They say if you are in the kingdom, you should definitely see this one landmark. Let's go there one day.


12.13.2019 (16:48)- Trophy

"Over-All Champion". The team building was the 3rd one i've attended in my current company so far. Back in the Philippines, i attended team buildings too... River Zumba, Island Hopping, Tree Planting, Clubs, etc... But this was different. It wasn't just for fun. It was team work so to speak. Gahd the basketball game seriously gave me flu-like pains for days. But it was worth it.


12.30.2019 (08:13)- GA case

This kills me. Cases this early make me grumpy all day. I have to get up at 5:30 and get on the service at 7 and start the battle at 8. Then i call it a day.


01.07.2020 (20:31)- Award?

My ass. It gave me chills. I never wanted to receive one regardless of how hard i work. Believe me i don't work hard. I don't like to. I appreciate it. But all the others are way much better.


02.05.2020 (09:03) - Trip

It wasn't planned well, but it went well. Armenia was classic. It was pretty. I like rainy season the most but winter wasn't that bad. Leaves falling, warm coats, foreign language, snow flakes. Spontaneity. It always gives the best experience.


02.09.2020 (21:00) - Next trip

Another thing i looked forward to. I was very expectant. The catch up with family and friends, Iloilo city tour, and a staycation at a beautiful island resort. I bought a new luggage bag by the way.


02.23.2020 (19:19)- Suction room

This is where i usually watch the sunrise and sunset. But the day passed quickly that the moon was already overtaking behind the clouds.


03.2020 (00:00) - COVID. Impromptu


03.13.2020 (21:04) - Chocolate Monster

Ah i lost my appetite.


04.02.2020 (23:29) - Experiment

It's been forever since i last touched my brushes, the poor canvas and palette. I was lonely, but i guess they were too. So we had a small reunion. I've read "it's not bad to learn from loneliness. There are things you can see more clearly when you are alone".

04.13.2020 (07:30) - Lollipops

For me, a matter of lollipop and death.


04.10.2020 (13:27) - The Notice

Thank you for the reminder.


Today 04.25.2020 (06:36) - The Park

Morning stroll. Do you know why...i don't like going to...and staying at new places for a long time? Because i'm anxious i'd feel comfortable. That when i become familiar i'd feel at home. And when i have to leave, i'd be confused and heart broken. So i'd stay here briefly.

Until then... So long...

10th November

Just got home from work. I toss my backpack on the bed and head straight to the basement. It's so quiet here, hence my fondness of the place. I want to write on my diary but i am now seated comfortably on the couch, so i just use my phone. I'm terribly feeling homesick that it starts to hurt physically. And because it hurts, i can't concentrate on what i'm writing. I want to cry because of this. I keep writing so i won't cry. I suddenly want to throw up. I stop for a bit. I think i will read a little, but i didn't bring my e-reader too. Maybe i should take a nap. I like this place but it's a bit creepy so i should stay awake. I turn on my playlist, but i feel more distracted so i turn it off. I want to smoke. Ah, i am in trouble. Someone circulated a picture of us smokin and i got a bit panicky so i confessed to my mother that i have been smoking and that i got caught and that they might kick me out.

She's so upset. And so sad. And really shocked. I don't know how i feel about it. My mother wants me to really stop and i said i will try.

When i was in university my brother told me that to make your brain work fast, you have to smoke 2 sticks of cigarettes. I did try at work and when i returned home, my brain felt real slow. Apparently the nicotine has worn out. It didn't feel good. My bad stomach woke me up some nights and i felt nauseous some days.

Now I really want to throw up. I have not smoked for 3 days, it must be withdrawal. Or maybe i am feeling anxious.

I sit beside the pool, and stare at my reflection. I think i'd swim a little. I don't know how to swim so maybe i'd float on my back. But it's freakin cold. Maybe i'll just go upstairs and have some tea, read and write a little. I pull myself up before my reflection pulls me into the water.

"What's in your backpack"?

People often ask me this. And since i've never really given them a decent answer, my comfort buddy has been subject to hilarious wild guesses. Some say i have bars of gold in it, a pet cat, or a mini grocery store 😅. "You're goin to school?" always gives me a good laugh.

To begin the revelation, my backpack is one of the most important belongings i have but it contains 'not so important' things. Just few essentials i keep handy to make life a bit more convenient and to save myself from certain situations.

The list goes this way:

●journal/ pencil/ pen : fact is I love pens and notebooks. There's a seasonal writer in me that i can't tell when i am going to write so having a journal all the time is a must. I usually jot down important dates, appointments, random thoughts, a cute movie phrase, a good blog title for future use. Or whenever i get this sudden artistic impulse i really just have to sketch or doodle down. Anytime. Anywhere. It's a great way to pass time.

●Phone: for calls, sms, and the map! for i am worst at navigation. In my home city I cannot even memorize streets or i don't know the right jeepney to take to go somewhere so this tool helps a lot. It's very essential for emergency situation, keeps you updated in this digital world, and my playlist saves me from boredom of course. Moreover i also use my phone for alarms and memos.

●Water bottle: hydrate hydrate. Especially in this country when summer is really hot and winter is dry. I usually carry a liter with me so it's by far the heaviest object in my backpack.

●Books: or anything readable e.g: mags, brochures, pocketbooks. Not that i read them, but i always make sure i carry one in case i need to avoid social interaction that i can just pretend i'm busy reading something and avoid being bothered. It's a life saver!

●Lighter: in case i need to burn something down 😆. Kidding aside, i learned to bring one all the time because back in the Philippines the friends and i would sometimes go on sudden long trips. And we really love to eat, but usually we had to make food traditional style esp when the place was far from civilization and there's no access to electricity. We had to make fire using lighter in order to cook, to make bonfire, etc.

●extra pair of clothes: Now i'm in another country as an ofw, i don't bring extra clothes anymore because my uniform is just comfortable as it is and we actually rarely go out. But back in the Philippines when we went to places unplanned or when i was suddenly invited for a sleepover, having extra clothes ready was a great relief making the overnight stay more comfortable.

●lollipops/chocolates: in times of hypoglycemic attack, sweets save the day. But regardless of my blood sugar level, i always carry a stick or two because i've always had this fondness of sweets since i was little esp for lollipops. I don't realy have to eat them. Just the feel of them in my pocket or knowing i have plenty in my bag makes me feel nothing can get in the way.

●instant coffee: when i can't stand hypoglycemia anymore, it's my next line of defense when hunger strikes, or when i snooze in the middle of work. I am such a big sleepyhead.

●First aid kit: A clumsy human that i am, i'm prone to falls, i bump or i get cuts and bruises. Therefore a brownie girl scout should always carry band aide, plaster, povidone iodine, otc meds, etc.

●Sanitary pads: for the sake of myself and all women out there who always ask "do you have a napkin?" in times of untimely menstrual periods because why don't they keep it handy all the time.

●Floss: oral hygiene.

●Isoprophyl: because i love the smell of alcohol it feels so clean.

●IDs: i have really poor sense of direction that i know for sure i could get lost anytime so i make sure i have id cards to present to a police station or when people might mistaken me as an alien at least i have a human identification proof to show.

●Cash: if money were no object my backpack would most probably be full of stuff. But everything just costs, material or non material, so money is a standby.


My backpack is something i value quite a lot. Wherever i go as long as i have it, i feel secure and comfortable. Sometimes there's a dozen other stuff that i add, that's why when people ask what's in my backpack, it's Irish stuff i say.

Quarter affairs

The past months got me collecting things sentimental, celebratory, and life changing. I didn't write for so long because i was feeling demotivated and consumed. It's one of those seasons, when i could not hold my pen long enough to write. And feel bad about it afterwards. Things have accumulated, and i shall unfold them one by one to lift some weights.

This was back in April when i saw an OB for a checkup. She revealed that i had a big cyst that needed to be removed. I was assured that it was very common and simple and the surgery would be real quick, but i was so scared and confused that i delayed it.

In May, my younger brother broke a news that he's getting married. It's a different feeling when someone in the family makes the biggest decision, when he bravely steps up. Our boy is starting a new chapter in his life, he's suddenly so grown up! Now aside from my parents, i think Harry is now an additional counselor i can rely on to. I don't have faith in myself, but i have in him.

In June, my friends and I spent the holiday in Bahrain.

At that time, i already had thoughts about quitting my job because i was terribly homesick and i wanted to be with the family when i did the surgery. It was supposed to be a relaxing trip but the heat and traffic and the environment did not help. I composed a resignation letter and promised to send it when i got back to work, but i delayed it as well. It's still in my draft! Waitin for that sign...

In July, i finally did the surgery! I originally planned to delay it right, but the friends persuaded me. And the doctor explained that the cyst could grow bigger and "explode" and damage my ovary. I went under the knife and here i am still alive to this day to tell you my story.

First day of admission.

On the second day, Dr. Farah visited. She brought this sweetest, loveliest lollipop bouquet 😊.

If it weren't for my family and friends who encouraged me, i wouldn't have done the surgery. I am forever grateful 🙏.

The day i got discharged, my mother flew back home for good. My oldest brother flew back to work weeks after that. I think we're not really always up to something, but we were never complete and i wanted to be home all the more.

The two-week sickleave felt like forever. It was very depressing and very painful. I rekindled my love for reading and painting but it didn't last long. Pressuring myself just worsened the condition.

A month from now i turn 29 and i honestly feel inadequate about everything. The inner tie that i've been battling to unknot seems tighter. It feels like it's raining more often than usual. I have been tryin to take things easy, but everything seems uncertain and questionable. It's like, i will never be ready when the chance comes to get things right.

I try to keep it all together so i won't affect the people around me, coz as long as i can, i absorb it all. But actually, it's easier to cry and look sadly at life than the other way around.

I hold on to the little love i get, as it keeps my soul firm when the storm tries to knock me down. If and when i'm able to overcome it all, when i become a better person, i would love to give love back. But honestly now I'm losing it.