Surreal

I kept thinking about you last night for no reason, that i dreamed about you then. It was so vivid...still so clear in my memory.

I was having coffee while you were having your warm cup of chocolate. We were smiling from ear to ear. No words. Just pure smiles. I asked "shall we go for a walk?", and you just nodded. Apparently you could not answer verbally because you had Alzheimer's disease. I held your hand and we walked together and you started humming. I put an arm on your shoulder, held you closer, and closed my eyes. Your voice started to fade that when i opened my eyes, i awoke.

Dear Granny,

I miss you so much. It's been over ten years since you passed away. Until now i still have regrets and guilt...for not taking care of you fulltime, for not being a good granddaughter, for not being everything you might have wished me to be, for not being there all the time. I always had other things to do, other things to see before you. I was always thinking i'd come home after tending to other things and you'd always be there waiting.

I miss when i came home every weekend and you're there sitting by the window and you'd clap your hands upon seeing me. I miss when you'd kiss my hair. I miss when we had our warm cups together. I miss when i cut your fingernails. I miss when you'd cry like a baby. I miss when you'd stare at our photos. I miss everything about you. It's hard to remember the last time you were still able to talk, yet all your remaining years you stayed the same sweet and warm granny inspite of being afflicted with illness.

Just like most deaths, yours came without warning. One day at school, a phone call changed everything, shattered everything. You're gone and i thought i will always blame myself for not doing anything to prolong your life.

Granny, I wish you were here. If you were still alive, we've got an endless list of things to do. Gardening, strolling in the woods, coffee harvest time! afternoon naps, and so on. I still feel sad whenever i think of you. I love you so much. See you in my next dream ♥.