Idleness

I wake up early everyday with a strong belief that it's a good way to start a productive day. But i still arrive late to work.  And the routine is just killing me. After finishing some tasks, i can't think of anything else to do, and i end up spending half of my time doing nothing and feeling bad about it. It's like being employed but feeling unemployed. Like looking alright but feeling miserable inside. This thought makes me feel exhausted. It drags down my energy just thinking how poor the situation i am in, and i lose interest in everything. Then i just try to finish the work i am appointed to, but apathetic whether it benefits others or myself, just so i can do something in a day that's a bit useful. 

It's all in my feelings. I'm not like this at times when i truly enjoy what i'm doing, whether it's big or small. I could be surprised everyday. Every little things could make me smile and amazed. Now i'm doubting. Does it mean i don't enjoy what i'm doing anymore? But what exactly am i doing? Am i even doing anything? It's pointless to ask this myself over and over again when i should be doing something the moment i start doubting. Now when i look at paintings and interior designs and when i read random articles on the internet, am i doing something? The tunnel keeps on extending. I want to stop pretending that i am anything other than i am. I want to just do things that matter to me. But i don't know what really matters. 

Then i cry and laugh and cry and laugh til i get tired and just forget about everything. Then the next day i would feel better and so motivated to work and i get that feeling that i can do everything! And that nothing is impossible. 

This is the cycle. There are bad days and good days. It's something i can't help. I can only contemplate.