~_~

It's already the third of January and it's just too fast for me. It's hard to keep up with the pace, i feel like before i could start doing something, 24-hour has ended. My family didn't do anything special. New year was just like the usual and ordinary day for us, except that my father prepared some 'quite special' dishes for lunch and dinner. For the first time in so many years, only the three of us welcomed the new year. It was different from all the other new years because most of the family members were away. The house was so silent, we didn't wait for midnight anymore to watch the fireworks (which we used to do before). After having dinner, i just locked myself in my room and watched videos, after then i felt quite bored so i organized the books on my desk, and i also sketched some pictures. I fell asleep on my desk and i woke up to the sound of my phone. It's 2 am and my brother just sent a message, asking what we were doing. We didn't exchange messages for long but because i couldn't fall asleep again, i just sat on the floor and continued sketching. 

I spent the entire day of January first cleaning our house, washing the dishes, watering the plants in our small garden, eating and taking a nap. I decided to go back to the city at 5:00. On my way i sent a message to my bible teacher that i was meeting her. I hadn't visited her for a long time which i had always felt sad about. I had just been too lazy and pretended to be always busy, and for that i felt sorry for not replying to her every messages. 

We ate dinner together and had a good long talk. We had a lot of catching up to do. It's heartwarming how she could understand me despite everything, even when i wasn't saying a word. My life these days is just hard, but i don't know where the burden comes from. I mean, everything doesn't make sense to me, i can't understand myself, i don't know what to do. I am scared. It's scary to take a step thinking that one wrong move could lead to trouble...maybe it's just the paranoia in me, or it's the real external scene that i am so afraid to encounter and take risk. 

My teacher shared her words of wisdom and encouragement. I had a lot of realizations. In everything that i do, i should always, if possible, do so in a righteous manner, and continue taking in the spiritual food and live by the scriptural principles.

Still, i don't know where to start and my mind is full of uncertainties. I am just hoping... praying that things will turn out well.