You feel me?

Sometimes there's just nothing to look forward to each day. It's all the same, it's so trivial, the routine is just sickening. Nothing looks interesting. Everything seems difficult to do that you have to exert such effort doing even little things. It's also hard to decide over small matters and when you finally make one it's always not right. Don't get me wrong. Of course there are so many things I am thankful for. Being alive each day is one. And i don't disregard the people who are always there no matter what.

But I find myself slowly distancing from people, because i fear i'd hurt them. I get to be mean sometimes, through unwise words and careless actions. What adds to the incertitude is that, not being able to find myself and figure out what i really want. It may take a lifetime.

So I'd rather be alone. I'm confused about myself whenever i'm with others because i feel different. I act differently. I am not me...it's all pretense just to belong and fit in. Why can't i just be myself? Why can't i stay the same in different situations?

I feel empty. Everyday life continues but it has no meaning. Everyday i move but i feel like going nowhere. I'm slowly getting uninterested and easily falling out of the habit of doing things i used to enjoy. Truth is, i 'm starting to lose feelings. I'm getting numb. I'm deprived of emotions. Maybe because when things become too habitual, you too become desensitized. That state of being dispirited is just too strong. It's very hard to fight. So i might as well just give in. It's easier this way, and i'll get use to it, or get tired of it and change my perspective.

*thoughts*

Sometimes you should try not to make-believe that everything is okay, because you are just fooling yourself. When you convince yourself that there's nothing wrong, that everything is fine, you are just escaping from reality. Yes it's alright to fantasize, but don't make it a habit because that's where frustrations root from. If you feel sad, feel it to the very core. If you feel miserable, allow yourself to break down and cry. If you feel empty, think that there is something out there that would eventually fill in that sad space in you...just you haven't found it yet.

Feel na feel na feel na feel na feel na feel na feel na feel na feel ko. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe


P.S. There's one good thing about negativity. If it weren't for it we couldn't make an effort for a positive resolve.