Welcome to the 40th edition of my TSC. Back at it after more than 2 years of dormancy. Can it get any worse? I know i can never really keep my promise when it comes to being religious about writing, says no writer. 2 years back i vowed to post about my Sundays on a regular basis, and if i did, this could have been my 150th edition more or less. My Sundays are not blog-worthy at all. But it was a commitment that i said i would try to assume so i won't fall out of the habit. I didn't notice the 2 years i failed to be persistent on my weekly updates, and i am a little sad about it because i didn't just fall off a bit, i fell off big time. For the time being, i'd try to take it lightly. I'm not promising any regularity anymore, as true to life, it is an absolute joke.
It's a very sunny day, and one of those days when you just want to live your life, without any aggressive interactions, which proves very helpful to me. I am aging and i could be quite sensitive at times. I could be the one overly dramatic but I don't wish no more dramas. Lately i just want to feel liberated, living life as it is. I feel the need to stop bonding with the digital world without conscious effort. It is so easy to scroll Facebook, it is so addicting. Seriously. I wish to focus more on the more personal aspect. The job for example- it has helped to the great extent, it has given me the sense of responsibility and independence, and that feeling of quarter-life stability. But when i ask myself if i really love what i'm doing, i never have a single on point answer to that. Some days i go to work just to see the familiar faces, i could even sit the whole day doing nothing without getting caught. Some days i don't want to show up, i want to lock myself in. I am so tired of living from paycheck to paycheck. I should take cultivating sweet potatoes to a serious level. It is one of my dreams. (Then i will have more time to read and write and paint, and will have little to no money).
On the other pole, I am remembering the one Ramadan ago, the lockdown and all. 'Twas a crazy time. I smoked a lot and didn't eat much. It's surprising i'm still alive. Without decent sleep, everyday was a where-am-i moment. It was all about copious amounts of coffee, and some sneaking out to the small grocery store despite the curfew and the police everywhere, just to buy lollipops and more cigarettes.
It is Ramadan again. I am normally comatose at around 12 midnight, but now at 4 or 5 a.m. I am still hyperactive.
Currently, I am
Reading lighter fast read novels- Sparks, Picoult, Albom.
Writing or updating my CV lol.
Listening to myself. Subconsciously checking if i am still breathing or not. Sometimes i catch myself not breathing for a couple of minutes. It's weird but many times a day i have those apneic spells.
Thinking about the conversation i just had with my Aunt. The future is unpredictable, we have to build it up little by little no matter the outcome, no matter how slow the progress. We also talked about how depression is like a silent killer. It is important to have someone to talk to, someone who understands and never judges. It runs in our blood, and knowing that i am not the only one experiencing it makes me feel i'm not alone and that together we can get through it.
Smelling coffee. Accidentally drinking it despite wanting to follow the Fasting schedule.
Wishing it rains again. It rained on the first day of Ramadan and i think it was the most beaufitul entrance. Well, not only for this religious holiday, but i guess for anything. Rain is a beautiful thing.
Hoping everyone is safe and healthy and gets to be vaccinated soon.
Wearing the work uniform.
Wanting coffee after coffee after coffee.
Needing to be more productive...at work, at home, in all areas. I need to get myself together!
Feeling crazy. At some point of my alone time sometimes, i look in the mirror and try to plant a smile on my face, and happy thoughts come. It's like...what-you-think-is-what-you-get. But it's not a good mantra you should follow if you don't want to look like a madwoman LOL.
Loving this rooftop view taken at our village in Cabatuan, Iloilo-- Town of Plantains, City of Love. It's very sunny, looks very hot. It's summer and i am missing the beach, our afternoon siesta, our cool snacktime!
