10th November

Just got home from work. I toss my backpack on the bed and head straight to the basement. It's so quiet here, hence my fondness of the place. I want to write on my diary but i am now seated comfortably on the couch, so i just use my phone. I'm terribly feeling homesick that it starts to hurt physically. And because it hurts, i can't concentrate on what i'm writing. I want to cry because of this. I keep writing so i won't cry. I suddenly want to throw up. I stop for a bit. I think i will read a little, but i didn't bring my e-reader too. Maybe i should take a nap. I like this place but it's a bit creepy so i should stay awake. I turn on my playlist, but i feel more distracted so i turn it off. I want to smoke. Ah, i am in trouble. Someone circulated a picture of us smokin and i got a bit panicky so i confessed to my mother that i have been smoking and that i got caught and that they might kick me out.

She's so upset. And so sad. And really shocked. I don't know how i feel about it. My mother wants me to really stop and i said i will try.

When i was in university my brother told me that to make your brain work fast, you have to smoke 2 sticks of cigarettes. I did try at work and when i returned home, my brain felt real slow. Apparently the nicotine has worn out. It didn't feel good. My bad stomach woke me up some nights and i felt nauseous some days.

Now I really want to throw up. I have not smoked for 3 days, it must be withdrawal. Or maybe i am feeling anxious.

I sit beside the pool, and stare at my reflection. I think i'd swim a little. I don't know how to swim so maybe i'd float on my back. But it's freakin cold. Maybe i'll just go upstairs and have some tea, read and write a little. I pull myself up before my reflection pulls me into the water.