No different from the usual waking time but today's unlike any other Saturdays. It's dayoff. And i'm honestly not liking it. Because it's different, it's unplanned, i'm stuck! What to do today?! Imagining myself walking on the hallway, thinking about what lies ahead, or what's up for the day. Normally when i get to the workplace, i would sit for a while and have my coffee, and start preparing. Everything follows smoothly that's why i love 'routine'.
Most probably i'll be spending the whole day today contemplating, feeling all feelings, thinking thousands of thoughts, or playing dead. I want to do a million things but i can't even get out of bed. In contrast i wish to sleep longer but my body is wide awake. Hull.
But seriously i miss doing things. It takes effort to get back to the familiar habit tho. Procrastination almost always wins. I am physically lazy and mentally exhausted and full of excuses. I miss writing. And I am writing now just for the sake of it. There's nothing special or meaningful in the content. I miss drawing, but i can't...or don't know anymore. I miss reading, but nowadays i leave the books unfinished. I miss watching documentaries. But i don't have time! ㅠㅠㅠ
I miss doing things, but when i think about starting again, i find something else to do. My attention gets divided. Sometimes all i need is a big push, a little inspiration, silence, or brain stimulation.
I work on Fridays and i'm loving it. It's when i don't exert extra effort and concentration on anything, because there's much lesser external stimuli. It's when i think and see more of myself. It's when peace and quiet reign. So you may ask why i don't like dayoff. Because it breaks the routine. Okay now we're both confused.
I get tired too of course. But more than physically, i think i'm mentally exhausted. People say i look calm all the time. Thanks to my almost expressionless face, you'll find it hard to guess what's on my mind. But tell you what, there's always a turbulence inside. The turmoil is just too strong it's breaking my heart. There's a lot of contributing factors. Maybe the absence of family, the isolation i feel that i don't know the roots, the unfamiliarity, etc.
Sometimes i think that's just how things are. Stress could be good, it keeps me going. But sometimes i definitely need a break. Like "Wait. Let me breath or sit down or sip my coffee." When things get into the nerves, you experience moral dilemma. You can't imagine how many times i've killed people in my head. That makes me the most wanted virtual criminal in the kingdom.
We encounter everything in the workplace everyday. The randomness. Spontaniety. The people.
It's where we experience new things that widen our knowledge and skills. We learn new things constantly.
It's where we meet patients with different personality and behavior and status.
It's where we work with doctors of different characters.
And it's a place of heaven and hell for coworkers. We can relate and so we find comfort in each other in this regard. Lol
Amidst everything, little things help me get through. Lollipops?- i'm on cloud nine. Corny jokes, presents on ordinary days, random calls, good food, old pictures, memes, bookmarks, short articles from a favorite website, coffee- i'm in seventh heaven.
I've survived the week. Maybe i can survive today too. Not that i'm ungrateful for this dayoff, but i'll try to make the most of it.
See you Sunday 😊.
