In Jordan

Here's no highlight but worth noting: en route to Wadi Rum. 

The hues seemed...calculated. From that asphalt road to the beige sandstone to the hazy fortresses. And of course that spotless blue of the sky. The mystery beyond those high pillars would excite you, yet the transparency at the foreground would make you want to watch and embrace the stillness a little more. The shoots of greens would wrap you in a balance of breeze and warmth, that feels like home albeit in a foreign land. The rocks proudly stood like they're meant to be there infinitely, yet humbled by the apparent horizon. So vast it's overwhelming. It's breathtaking. It's dreamy. Fleeting yet unforgettable. That June in Jordan.

Good morning Friday

My gaze wanders through the digital clock just above the television. It says 7.45. The door is slightly open and i see a soft haze of pale yellow light coming somewhere from the kitchen or probably the living room. I don't want to get up yet but i force myself to. I wish i could do a quick sit ups but as my feet search for the slippers, i almost trip on the coffee table and i feel how stone cold the floor is. I'm alive and breathing and feeling. I'm skipping the sit ups today. I stand up and exit the room, wondering if i am hearing the kettle softly boiling the water ready for our hot cups. The host of this house is in the kitchen, as i have suspected. .

"Good morning, Ate."
"Kape na," she answered.

Every morning when we are at Ate April's place, we start the day with coffee. It just makes everything better. I thought how blessed i am.

I prepare my cup and walk out to the porch. It’s super summer, i don’t know how else to describe it. But however hot it may be, i’m down for basking in today's heat. I indulge in my fresh cup as i feel the hot sun on my legs piercing my bones. I am here just walking back and forth on this small yard.

In the future when i think about my time in this kingdom, i wish i remember days exactly like this. When i was trying to fit in but life won’t let it, and so i learned to embrace imperfection. I want to remember the good times, and bad times too. I want to remember the little things- morning coffee, irregular chats, late night walks to the park, lollipops, random topics, weird laughs. I want to remember the people who took me as theirs and made me feel i belonged. They prove that home could be anywhere that you are welcomed. 

Timeline

I'm suddenly reminded that i have not been putting things into writing for the past six months. It must be the aching deltoid muscle post booster, the freezing temperature, or the thin haze that blankets the sky. Sometimes there's too much or too little to share. Sometimes not every idea is viable and some words are just an impossible choice. So to keep this from ending up in the trash bin, i'm not forcing words onto the page, i'll be sharing photos instead. 

July 03, 2021-- Random evening walk at Richard Bodeker Park, Diplomatic Quarter. Who doesn't love nature and fresh air? This park is next to the hospital where I work, so I sneak out from time to time. It's one best way to clear the mind. 

July 07, 2021-- A taste of molds from Starbucks. lol

July 08, 2021-- A warm evening dip.

July 09, 2021-- Waiting for the baby to come out, and rehearsing water birth 😂

July 17, 2021-- After a good rain. Anything that's rain-related- the sound, the storm, the smell of the earth, the temperature, the color, the atmosphere, the aftermath-- heaven for pluviophiles. I love how it's gloomy and clear, and I love everything that comes with it. 

July 18, 2021-- Elevator thoughts. I had this sudden #Hugot when I went on a short visit to the previous workplace. It's crazy how when you step out of the elevator you see the same place that now looks unfamiliar. Even the faces you used to see everyday are now strangers. And the voices, you only selectively recognize them. And you just hope to not totally forget. How much effort does it take to keep everything in place, to immortalize the lovely little things in your head, to smile at the crazy happy memories...when they are being snatched away in pieces, and your world is slowly turning upside down?" 

July 30, 2021-- Baby kicks. 

August 03, 2021-- Waiting...

August 04, 2021-- Waiting...

August 06, 2021-- The baby has come. Welcome to the world baby Alya Elisse! 💗 Congratulations Mommy Shera! 😊

August 07,  2021-- I don't know what I was waiting 😅

August 08, 2021-- A fair share. Thank you doc! 😌 Was I waiting for food? 😂

August 15, 2021-- how sweet is DQ. 

September 28, 2021

September 30, 2021-- Refused on the bus. 

October 20, 2021-- Afternoon walk at Richard Bodeker Park. 

November 03, 2021-- Presents from Canada. 💕Dr. Farah.

November 06, 2021-- Baby Elisse @ 3 months.

November 13-18, 2021-- Summary of 5 days in Dubai.

December 04, 2021-- The first stomachache I couldn't stand. 

December 21, 2021-- A treat from a Kabayan patient. 

December 24, 2021-- Approaching noche buena. Merry Christmas everyone! 

December 31, 2021-- Welcome back to KSA Ate Chabey! A picture of us in 2018 vs present 😊

January 01, 2022-- Happy New Year! As a tradition, we exchanged presents and my wishlist was granted. Got 20 packets of Jajangmyeon 😂

January 05, 2022-- One small step, one giant leap 😭. Walked by myself to the embassy and it was one scary experience. Because i have very poor sense of navigation and I didn't know how to use the map. Finally figured it out after 3 hours, but because I don't know how to use Uber, I had to walk.

January 07, 2022-- Leadership training. Flexing my perfect jump shot here. 😌

January 13, 2022-- No secret. I love lollipops. 

My gallery be like... 

January 15, 2022-- Hailstorm in Riyadh. 

January 21, 2021-- 00:07hours-- Whatever our future holds 😂

January 21, 2022-- 15:10hours-- Happy Birthday Tita Roxanne! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

January 21, 2022-- Head empty, eyes hurting, so let's end this here. 

Good night. Til next time. 😴

*nothing follows*

Approaching the 2nd half

The alarm goes off at 6:00 o’clock. I grab the phone and press snooze. I usually don’t allow myself another five minutes, but just one snooze please. Come 6:05 and it’s time to get up. Shower, coffee, and the bus comes. Did you get up on the right side of bed? 

It’s the last day of June! After months of working split shifts, we are back to straight back-breaking shift again. Sad! I am going to miss my afternoon naps !!! I didn’t like the 3-hour break at first but i had come to appreciate how it had given me some “me time” in between work. Plus i could do my laundry! And i could read uninterrupted.

Speaking of reading, there’s this book “How to win friends and influence people”. Big LOL no? Trust me you will like it hahahahaha. Not that i liked it because in my opinion, to apply this book successfully in life, you will be required to do lots of verbal communication. No thanks. But then again, i highly recommend it for many interesting reasons. It talks about how people try different approach to achieve the feeling of importance, how they are thirsty for appreciation and how we fail to show it. It discusses how developing a genuine interest in other people impacts positively; stuff like first impression; how happiness depends largely on mental attitude, the impact of remembering peoples’ names, the power of appreciation, respecting other peoples’ opinions, diplomatic approach to arguments, admitting mistakes, motivation to work, criticisms and using praise instead of criticisms, learning from mistakes. Leadership.

Excuse my nonsense.

Currently i am reading the book Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk. I so love it. How do i say... it's morbid, it's terrific. It's dark and hilarious. My style!

Hello July. 
We are working for 2 weeks in July and then there’s this week long holiday, is called Hajj. I am working part time, as a sub to a friend. He is unlucky to be working 3 days but his 'other schedule' is conflicting with work for some reason that i know but i am not disclosing. In other words is confidential. So as a good friend i am working on his behalf for a few hours, but this is not for free. As a payment i am askin him to buy me a book called Behave by Robert Sapolsky. Hey if you happen to read this, add to cart now 👌🏼. I have been eyeing this book for the longest time and i am sacrificing few hours of my holiday to get this. Is not the first time i’m subbing him btw. I got the book Norwegian Wood the first time i did. Coffee will do actually but when given options i’d go for something i cannot afford. 

The remaining 2 days of the holiday will most likely be spent doing nothing or over doing things but hopefully not to the point of exhausting myself that i would not like to return to work. Ah hoping to finally send the box i have been meaning to send for 2 months now. It’s 50 percent books and 50 percent other stuff. Is my first overseas Filipino box : ) Hope the family will be proud! 

Are we ready for the second half of 2021? I’m not...but i’ll face it. 

Good morning. 

THE SUNDAY CURRENTLY | 40

Welcome to the 40th edition of my TSC. Back at it after more than 2 years of dormancy. Can it get any worse? I know i can never really keep my promise when it comes to being religious about writing, says no writer. 2 years back i vowed to post about my Sundays on a regular basis, and if i did, this could have been my 150th edition more or less. My Sundays are not blog-worthy at all. But it was a commitment that i said i would try to assume so i won't fall out of the habit. I didn't notice the 2 years i failed to be persistent on my weekly updates, and i am a little sad about it because i didn't just fall off a bit, i fell off big time. For the time being, i'd try to take it lightly. I'm not promising any regularity anymore, as true to life, it is an absolute joke.

It's a very sunny day, and one of those days when you just want to live your life, without any aggressive interactions, which proves very helpful to me. I am aging and i could be quite sensitive at times. I could be the one overly dramatic but I don't wish no more dramas. Lately i just want to feel liberated, living life as it is. I feel the need to stop bonding with the digital world without conscious effort. It is so easy to scroll Facebook, it is so addicting. Seriously. I wish to focus more on the more personal aspect. The job for example- it has helped to the great extent, it has given me the sense of responsibility and independence, and that feeling of quarter-life stability. But when i ask myself if i really love what i'm doing, i never have a single on point answer to that. Some days i go to work just to see the familiar faces, i could even sit the whole day doing nothing without getting caught. Some days i don't want to show up, i want to lock myself in. I am so tired of living from paycheck to paycheck. I should take cultivating sweet potatoes to a serious level. It is one of my dreams. (Then i will have more time to read and write and paint, and will have little to no money).

On the other pole, I am remembering the one Ramadan ago, the lockdown and all. 'Twas a crazy time. I smoked a lot and didn't eat much. It's surprising i'm still alive. Without decent sleep, everyday was a where-am-i moment. It was all about copious amounts of coffee, and some sneaking out to the small grocery store despite the curfew and the police everywhere, just to buy lollipops and more cigarettes.

It is Ramadan again. I am normally comatose at around 12 midnight, but now at 4 or 5 a.m. I am still hyperactive.


Currently, I am

Reading lighter fast read novels- Sparks, Picoult, Albom.

Writing or updating my CV lol.

Listening to myself. Subconsciously checking if i am still breathing or not. Sometimes i catch myself not breathing for a couple of minutes. It's weird but many times a day i have those apneic spells.

Thinking about the conversation i just had with my Aunt. The future is unpredictable, we have to build it up little by little no matter the outcome, no matter how slow the progress. We also talked about how depression is like a silent killer. It is important to have someone to talk to, someone who understands and never judges. It runs in our blood, and knowing that i am not the only one experiencing it makes me feel i'm not alone and that together we can get through it.

Smelling coffee. Accidentally drinking it despite wanting to follow the Fasting schedule.

Wishing it rains again. It rained on the first day of Ramadan and i think it was the most beaufitul entrance. Well, not only for this religious holiday, but i guess for anything. Rain is a beautiful thing.

Hoping everyone is safe and healthy and gets to be vaccinated soon.

Wearing the work uniform. 

Wanting coffee after coffee after coffee.

Needing to be more productive...at work, at home, in all areas. I need to get myself together!

Feeling crazy. At some point of my alone time sometimes, i look in the mirror and try to plant a smile on my face, and happy thoughts come. It's like...what-you-think-is-what-you-get. But it's not a good mantra you should follow if you don't want to look like a madwoman LOL.

Loving this rooftop view taken at our village in Cabatuan, Iloilo-- Town of Plantains, City of Love. It's very sunny, looks very hot. It's summer and i am missing the beach, our afternoon siesta, our cool snacktime!

Into the unknown

 

It’s a gloomy chilly afternoon and I am writing from the office chair at the second floor of this alien building, using this alien desktop, and there’s aliens everywhere. Being abducted to this place feels like i’ve been born again. Quite literally. Good grief. I had to start from scratch, but a stubborn that i am, i am not starting from scratch. The least i could do is to continue what little i have started, try to connect things maybe, or transition. No, maybe no. Just sail with the current, either i drift or learn how to swim. I don’t like any shift no more!

The little thing i appreciate this past week is the weather. The last three days had scattered precipitation that somehow tapered off the sunshine if you’ve noticed. T’was gloomy all week. The temperature dropped significantly in my opinion, i don’t rely on forecast lol. I rely on how my body reacts to the temperature, when it’s cold, i say it’s winter. When it’s hot, it’s summer lol.

I love rain, I’m a pluviophile. There’s something magical about it. Never the same kind of rain but always gives you the same warm feeling. There’s something peaceful about it despite its sound. Plus while the rain falls, everywhere seems void of aliens.

I am disoriented these days. The routine changed quite suddenly. It’s not anymore like waking up in the morning and knowing what’s up for the day, not anymore like knowing what to do even with eyes closed. These days it’s all about anxiety and not even wanting to close your eyes or else you’ll miss one thing and screw everything up.

Seriously enough, i miss home! I miss coming home to my parents and telling on the people who screwed my day. I am getting a little sappy now, but i have to compose myself. (Aliens are passing by in front of my desk at the moment).

Life is changed by having responsibilities. I always tell myself i want to change, so i have to be responsible, learning simple stuff to start with. But honestly i cannot imagine how i am going to look after my aging parents *cries* when i cannot even cook *cries*, or i cannot even do basic carpentry, i cannot even go to places without getting lost. Years ago i bought this DIY book which i am pretty sure will come in handy in the future. I at least have this thought which makes me feel responsible. You see the Halo over my head?

These days i have the luxury to enjoy the little things. I read or write when i want to. I take time to drink my coffee and have 5 sticks of lollipops in a row, or listen to music. I absolutely love music. I am actually listening to my playlist now on low volume, writing, remembering the good old days, sipping coffee that i had to hide under the desk, and just appreciating this gloomy day.

Sometimes, a bit too often, i miss working til i’m breathless. Most importantly i miss working with people i share the same values with. I seem to always complain about how life is, but i do appreciate the little things:

Writing, even just a little.

Reading what i told myself will never read (currently reading The Da Vinci Code)

The park next to this alien building where i can take a walk.

The instrumental music playing all day.

This beautiful weather.

Reminiscence

Almost there. I’ve passed the stage 1 REM. Then a long train of thoughts come racing. The battle begins. The more I try, the harder it is to fall asleep. The mind is on the streets, eyes on the ceiling, lights dancing. I am missing the past and one old place. My mother’s place where I had no or very little recollection. Yet vivid. It pains me almost instantly when it comes to mind. I had not spent life there yet it played a pivotal role in the creation of my memories. The house is more or less half a century older than me, now in a ramshackle state. Countless storms had passed, the people never doubled. Mother must have had lived a lonely life, or should I say boring. She had never narrated how she was as a kid, as a teenager, or someone before becoming a mother. She is extremely reticent and very undemonstrative, like a character that’s not around. Sometimes I think she’s both like a mother and a stranger to me, and that’s what is special about her. I’m never gonna ask, but if she happens to read this, she’d most likely get me into a tete a tete. She is very reserved. I assume she grew up in an enigmatic family. But i know it was their unbreakable bond per se that mattered. I am trying to preserve the little fragments of them. My grandpa bedridden, the taciturn uncle who was around at a great infrequency, and my mother’s younger sister who would always sew matching clothes for me. There were gardens left and right. Flowers here and there. Melons, papayas, bananas, mangoes, sugar apple and vegetables of all sorts. Rice paddies. No neighbors in close proximity. Did I ever live there? Did my grandparents from both sides ever bond? I don’t know.

Years ago when we went to the cemetery to light candles, I had an important discovery. The grandpa died in 1996, the maternal grandmother and my mother's older sister died in 1993, six days apart. Based on the stories I’ve heard of my Aunt (not from my mother but from some neighbors who would tell long ago stories of other people’s lives LOL), she was very brainy. She was also obsessive compulsive. Then she went mad. You know what i mean? Like mentally ill. How absurd. I feel like i've never met the granny on the other hand.

Slowly, the disconnected pieces fit together little by little. There were 3 deaths once upon my childhood. One rainy night we had to be at 'i don't know whose' wake. We were residing at the paternal family by then. Father had to piggyback my older brother, I riding on his neck, Harry in his arms. It was dark and cold on the way, and the sound of his heavy steps against the ankle-deep rain was one of my memories. The elders were there. One was doing a ritual or a prayer or i don't know what on earth, in a foreign language, probably Latin. While doing so, the candles floated in the air. What kind of sorcery! Was it just my playful imagination? Or I construed it was witchcraft LOL. I had no sense of fear. But when I think of that bizarre experience now, it’s enough to make me tachycardic.

Once upon my mother's duty as a wife, she brought me and the younger brothers to a kilometer far health center for vaccination. We had to walk. Harry and I parading, closely following her steps, Carlo in her arms (fast asleep?). It was rainy as far as I remember. Slippery. Muddy. We had to cross a small brook with a couple of bamboo logs that served as a footbridge. Out of nowhere she dropped Carlo. Yes, in the brook. The umbrella half dipped in the water and Carlo's head nowhere in sight. I don't know if we ever completed the vaccine 😔.

Meanwhile, the brain is still wrestling. Wide awake. Or am I half dreaming? Somber thoughts and heavy feeling, but like a friendly weight. Thoughts that take you somewhere familiar to make you feel secure and assure you that you're not devoid of memories. Coz they are too good to be forgotten. I see myself from afar, doing things all over again. Like Déjà vu. Then the sudden sharp pain that wakes you up from out-of-body experience.

Just few hours to the alarm so I might as well not sleep at all. It’s this quiescent state again when the adrenaline kicks in with a sudden bog down in return. Saturdays in particular, break you free only to make you feel exhausted, almost sick. Probably it's the sudden spike of nicotine, or a hungover, or the high cholesterol or caffeine overdose. I would always say I have no intention of burdening myself with tasks needed to be done beyond the working hours. There's no desire to exert one bit more than I absolutely had to, coz it’s all futile. But anywhere that's not a workplace is like a very unproductive place. Workplace has become a life place. Now the system is an 8-hour work plus 5 to 6 hours volunteerism. And so the guilt is paid.

If I was home in PH, I’d probably be rummaging through anything I could get my hands on to. Boxes of things we have nowhere to place...Christmas décor, photo albums, vases, curtains, cutlery, condiment bottles, screw drivers, etc. At home I could be an unorthodox me, sleeping like a log or wandering like a restless owl.

If I was in that old place, I’d definitely take my time, I’d watch the world go by. I'd appreciate how nothing pretty much exceptional happens, coz I love what’s slow and warm. I love where i could be myself.